A prisoner within my own mind

I feel trapped, the depression setting in
I long for freedom, but bars contain me
Why can’t I be free, control of my emotions?

I see the light, but the walls surround me
They laugh at me, mocking me
The thoughts, un-escapable

Darkness surrounds my mind
Impurity and lies
Can’t I just die?

Why can’t I flee from these?
I want to run, break down these walls
But I am trapped within my mind

I can’t escape myself, my thoughts
To separate would mean ending all

In circles I turn
Someone reach out for me
But no one can

I feel hopeless
Never to escape this pain
Once more I end up here

I know death is not the answer
But it seems at times the only one

No! I will not, not again
I will not allow you here; this is my mind!

You must leave; I must break free
You do not own me
My lord owns me!

He will break me free
I have to walk with him
He owns all

Have mercy on me
My mind; tainted and unclean
I cannot wash it

But you don’t require purity
You make all wholesome

Free me of pain
Break these walls and chains
My father, help me!

You are all; I am not
I am death without you

My only escape seems to expire
But that is my only escape

With you, I have many
Freedom

But freedom in you
Not independence
I loathe my own

Without you, I am trapped
As good as dead

Hold me lord
Carry me through

I despise myself
I build up walls

Break my walls
Knock them down
Build endless love
A Desire for you

I need your love
Nothing else at all

As I lay, watch me close
Search me; see me
Clean it all

Wash me with your blood
Rid me of myself
Godliness, holiness
Fill me with you

Love me lord
Father-God
I adore you

A amazing Weekend, Take the subset!

I. So this weekend was great! I mean OBX with the parental units was good... except being sick.
Camping with FCA.... A M A Z I N G!!!!! I can't believe I almost left... I mean being in a bad mood and all... and than not feeling good. I'm glad I was talked into staying.

The stars were so bright..... Laying down on the ground was so fun. Every time I look at the stars it blows my mind. Our Maker..... WOW He dreamed up all of them, every single one. And the shooting stars. WOW. yeah... There's no other words. I enjoyed laying there with josh for the few minutes. Than everyone else joined. Which was great too!!!

The lighting of the cross. (we all lite our candles as a sign of our light for Christ) and than laid them on the cross.... It looks so amazing. It was SO cold.. So So cold. Plus feeling sick.. that didn't help. I ended up asking Josh to hold me for a little while. I would of asked someone else, but I'm most comfortable with him. When I'm sick I'm such a baby, I love to be held. Shoot.... I love cuddling even when I'm not sick. It just felt so good to be held. I don't know why.... I wish It didn't.

Anyways.... So I've been thinking about stuff:
The story Josh read about Christ being a guest in our house..... (way most Christians are) but to totally surrender everything. We have to sign over the deed to our house.... our body, mind, soul, life, heart. EVERYTHING. He is the owner of our house. I wrote on my piece of paper.... to give up relationships.... with men, with friends, with family. But I wrote "Deed of my life: mind body soul life" and I signed it over to Christ. Than watched it go up into flames.... to Him.... I am going to think of myself as a guest to this body. I am Christ's guest to His House, I am His servant. I will not allow anything to enter my body, dress my body, do things with my body, to my body. that is not something I would have done to Christ's body. Because this body is His... not mine, I am a guest.... a servant in His house. I am sure I will fail..... but I know that with Christ all things are possible. (I am sure I will muddy the house.... but He can clean all.. repaint and fix up) And I cannot clean my house the way He can. He can clean out my closets. I have more than one "closet" I have multiple ones. Allowing alcohol and sex and food and certain clothes, and certain things done to/in my house is wrong. I would not do these things in Christ's home.... therefore I will not.

I also had this "image" in my mind.
Our lives... the will of God is a path, with Ups and Downs.... Hills and steps and rocks. Like a hiking trail. If we follow God's path..... it's not too difficult, and it's the most beauty we can ever imagine. All along the way God is our hiking guide. He says This way.. look at this beauty.. I do this for you... this is yours. Follow me... this way.... and guides us.
But... than because We are sinners, and we are human. Satan has "forks" in the trail. These paths appear to have beautiful flowers and tall tall trees. Satan stands at the fork and says.... Look at this path.. this one is more adventurous and beautiful than your boring straight path. Why don't you come down this path...... it's much better. And because everything he says is a LIE... he himself is a lie, it is not true. We believe anyway and go... OOOOhh pretty flower and we stray the wrong way. But shortly down this "fork" the path gets rough and difficult, and we do not have the strength. The flowers on the path all wilt in death, and the beauty is non-existent. But we cannot see a way off this path... we cannot turn around....... and we cannot get off.

While we are straying down the path..... God has His bush hawk slicing a subset path as quickly as He can. This subset leads from God's original path to the "fork" we took. Now because God has to cut the path so fast and quick... it is rough and hard, thorns and rocks and uncut branches. But it is doable with God's strength. As we're on this "fork" God comes the freshly cut path and says I'm HERE this WAY follow me, I cut this path for us.... I will help you through it... come this way. At that point we either Choose to follow God and struggle with guilt (thorns) pain (rocks) anguish (branches). But we make it through this path onto God's will. The Main Path. Once we are back on God's will we find happiness and peace and love and beauty. We walk back in His presence, His grace. And we are Happy again.... The path is Beautiful and warm and safe.
If instead of following God back to God's will path... and we keep struggling, crawling down satan's lie and deceitful path, than God runs ahead and cuts another path.... and again we have this choice... as He calls out to us.. "this way, follow me, I will help you!"
Because we are human..... we usually get to the point, on Satan's lie path, that we are not able to crawl any farther..... we have no strength. We are broken and hurt and bleeding out. At this point God cuts another path for us. He walks to us and carries us back through his new path... back to Him... and His Will for us.
As we walk back in God's will..... The beauty and love is amazing..... and We cannot see ahead.... the beauty just gets greater and greater.... There is water and food and life for us to supply. But than... satan is standing at another fork off God's Will Path. He says.... look this path has more fruit for you.... this path is more fun... Come this way....... This Path is better. And because we're sinners and human again we stray.

But as always Satan is lying and God's faithfulness is to cut another subset path to retrieve us. He will ALWAYS make subset paths.... He will always Seek after us. We have to choose to follow the path.
Our curiousity gets the best of us...."grass is always greener". Ultimately we either find and stay on God's path..... even with MANY MANY subsets cut. Or... we die..... and reject God's offer to save us... carry us back to His will..... and we die.... bleeding out. weak. hurt. and depressed on Satan's deceit path. We have a choice.... We always have a choice..... God's beautiful Path.... even when we can't see what's around the bend.... so we THINK satan's lie path is better. and We are fooled into taking the "fork" but God always offers a subset path. So look for the subset Path.... listen for God calling "I'm here.... follow me back.. I will Help you!!!!" He is faithful and loving and He will ALWAYS make a path back to His will.

His subset paths are harder.... tougher... but they are doable.... we can get through them with the Lord's help. Yes.... if we stayed on God's Will things would be easier. Sure there would be difficult hills.... but we wouldn't have to climb mountains. BUT we follow the fork.... we have to take the subset over the mountain. But God will be faithful... and His subsets..... they are possible. "Philippians 4:13"
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Even climbing these subset mountains.....

This is what causes a large portion of our suffering, yes there is suffering on God's Will Path..... but not the amount we cause by taking the fork... the fork path leads to pain suffering and death. Satan's lie path is to seperate us from God... to make us die and hurt and bleed on his path. But God's faithfulness and Grace allow these subsets.

Jesus is the reason subsets are allowed. He is the way.... He is the bush hawk that cuts these subsets. He is what allows us to be forgiven and always come back to God. Jesus makes the way for us human sinners to come back to God's will.... to be BACK in God's presence. Look to Jesus.... He is the Subset on your path.

God is Faithful... God is Loving... God sent His only Son to allow for subsets. To Bring you back and to KEEP you in His arms. This all powerful, all loving, merciful, and forgiving God is seeking you... If you are on your God's Will Path... or you are broken down crawling along Satan's Lying Deceit Path.... There is a subset for you now and later, and there will always be subsets. Choose them, take them. They are Jesus Christ. God loves you so much He created a constant faithful way to bring you back to Him. God came to earth THROUGH His ONLY Son, and He died for you. Choose Jesus... The beauty, happiness, and love is amazing on God's Will Path. Beyond whatever satan's lie path has. Because nothing but death, hurt, pain exist on this path.

If you think that satan's path will make you happy. It won't.... it's can't. It will become hard and rough and you will fall and crawl and cry and bleed. but God will be calling you
"This way... I cut a path for us... I will carry you... come with me! I love you!"

Follow God's will.... and if you stray... take the subset, It is created out of love and grace.

Melissa....

Sept 16 '07 Have Mercy

Why?

Why must I cry like this, Why must I feel so much agony.
I long for Your love, but I turn away for my earthly dwelling.
In Your arms I find grace, I find peace.

To have had You than turn away… what a hypocrite I am.
To be perused so tangibly by my Lord, but I leave.
Why must I do what I hate, Why must I ignore my Love.

To come before You renders so much guilt; so much anguish.
I cannot come; I cannot see your face.
My pain is unbearable, impossible to endure.
I need You; I need Your grace.

Your Word tells me of Forgiveness, but I cannot accept.
I lay in my disgrace, inflicting my own torment.
Graciously you bestow upon me, yet I do not open.

To acquire this gift, for my unforgivable sin;
I cannot grasp your grace.

Pull me up, drag me out; I need Your help.
I inflict my torture; it is deserved.
But Christ, My LORD;
You did not; you were not.

Yet You endured, my pain, my agony.
You are perfect in every way.
Crusified upon the Cross,
Bearing my sin, so I can stand clean.

Why do you love a sinner like me?
I am the lowest of dirt, the worst of all.
You look on me with favor, with mercy and grace.
You smile at my innocence than carry me as I fall.

I want to leave this place, leave my flesh.
Away from this war, into your arms I desire.
But Your glory is first, How long must I wait?
How long must I endure for You?

Eternity I will wait for one moment with You.
Woe to me for my unrest in You.
Bring me to Your forgiveness;
To Your grace and love.
Have mercy upon me my Jeschua.

Leaving

This is prob one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't get to REALLY see many people to say goodbye to and I'm crying...... but its not the normal tears of anger or whatever...... i'm just sad. and that's the only emotion I have.... i'm not used to it.

I won't see everybody for 3 months..... Its like you live in this place.... that's just a building/campus and all of asudden these perfect strangers are your family.

I'm really bad at goodbye's and it's hard.

If I stayed until tomorrow I could see josh, but I really am all packed up and ready to leave now, plus i am checking out. supposed to hours ago. This is sad and hard

:'(
Why is it so hard, it feels like I'm running away all over. How i felt the day i left, as I drove away from my house thinking it would be the last time. When I moved here, I knew i could go home only 2 hours and see my family. This is different and harder because all these people are going all over the place. I won't see some of them EVER again....... and others I won't see for 4 months........ :'(

I'm going to cry my eyes out all the way home.

I love everyone

Yeah I'm def Bi-polar

I'm EXHAUSTED
My day starting last night:
I went for a drive right...... I needed to "think" and clear my head, plus spiritually I was being "taunted". SO somehow I ended up at the church. I parked to just listen to my radio and think for a bit, it was like 1 something. I cut my engin off and was relaxing to music. Well.... stupid me fell asleep. So I woke up at ike 4am.... My battery went dead, from the radio. UH so I was like well.... I can't do anything about this right now. So I just went back asleep.... I mean I figured I'd already slept some... lol. so I wake up again at like 7:30am the sun was BRIGHT and my car turned into a oven (it got to 90 something today). So I woke up and I was like okay, I need to get outta here before someone shows up and it would just be kinda akward me being in my PJ's and sleeping in the church parkinglot. So I called Josh...... he was sleeping so he didn't answer. I called Jordan, He didn't answer but he called me back. He said he looked and was like I'll call her later than he thought about it and was like..... there is no way she just "wants to talk" at 7:30am. so He ended up coming to get me, but had no jumpercables. So we went to walmart and I bought a pair and he bought a pair and he bought other stuff 2. than we went back and jumped my car.

FUN
LOL

Than breakfast at Shouse..... than I met with andrew to disscuss the summer housing situation.

than I moved some stuff to my storage unit. than ate lunch.... than I moved more stuff to my car to put in the storage unit (heavy stuff like fridge, TV and ect) But Al, Kala, Lynn, Holly, Carrie, Courtney were going to the river to swim. So they talked me into it :-D. It was great. After I dropped off my stuff in storage. than got back 5ish.... ate dinner in shouse. I was gonna go babysit right...... at 6:30 (around 6 I left dinner)
I went and put on some clothes (still in my bathinsuite) Get ready to walk out the door, Al's like freaking out, her leg was swollen HUGE..... and she was feeling sick and it swelled up instantly from her laying down. So we, (me kala holly, cassie, and al of course) went to the hospital..... she's okay. on crutches, but she's ok. She hit it on a rock jumping into the water. Well we got back here around 8ish. so Now im exhuasted. and I've had a great day. I have to pack more (UGH, I don't like packing)
and I think Im going to pass out.

I am getting breakfast at 8:30 marsh tomorrow w/ darrena. :-D so it will be good, she FINALLY is making some time for me, even if it is 8 something AM. My away message made her feel bad or something. but eitherway.. I have to job hunt tomorrow after breakfast Than I'm getting lunch or something with caleb :-D than i have to pack more and finish up that...... and than..... CHECKING OUT and heading HOME!!!!! Until the 15 of may than I'll be back in the creek!

I want to see josh at some point but I don't know if I will. I still think I "annoy" him esp after having called him this morning, I feel bad now. but oh well I was desperate. :-D thank God for Jordan!!!
anyways
Peace out

I swear I'm Bi-polar, cuz here I go sad again

:'(
So I feel as if I have no friends
I annoy Josh
Miranda does seem to invite me anywhere or anything and just doesn't ever IM me
Darrena, lets face it she NEVER calls me back no matter what. and she doesn't have time for anyone, and she's totally been ignoring my IMs today....

everyone else is with their "friends" before summer is gone. and I'm alone. know why.... i have none. I mean people talk to me, but no one just invites me out cuz they want to chill..... NO ONE invites me ANYWHERE....... am i annoying? am i ugly? am i mean? I mean why don't people like me.

My pastor can't even answer his phone. i have no one to even talk to. I'd talk to josh but I "annoy" him it seems. and AHHH :'( we're not acually FRIENDS, he's just nice to me prob. I mean if we were friends he'd invite me out and want to talk to me just to talk not because there is something wrong. He'd want to just watch a movie or whatever, but he doesn't. He prob just feels "obligated" to "be my friend" but isn't really my friend, just talks to me if I need to talk. So now I don't want to bother him so i'm going to just sit here and cry.

Im glad schools over I have no friends anyway

Birthday weekend!!!!! now exams

So I had a AMAZING weekend. Friday was great once I turned in my project, talk about a HUGE releif. Than I went and saw my parents and had dinner w/ them and chilled. I came back to campus Saturday morning, and slept all day. :-D than I went to a papmerdchef party thing which i always like those.... makes me wish I could acually cook!!! :-D I can't wait to get married and be able to be a wife. and eventually a mother. I know that seems kinda odd. I hope that whoever I end up marrying is able to support me and children without me HAVING to work that way I can do my photography...... and be a stay at home mom/wife. I want to have dinner ready when my husband gets home and be a soccer mom. I don't know..... just want to. anyways... Sat night was interesting with my suitemate.....

I love her to death...... and I don't mind having to go pick up drunk/high people in the middle of the night. or taking care of them all night I've been there before. As long as she doesn't do it tonight I'll be good to go!!

Sunday was awsome! My Birthday!! :-D
Church was great! As usual. I am glad my birthday was on Sunday! What better way to spend it than worshiping the One who made me you know... so I was happy. My 'family' took me to lunch :-) and that was really nice and I enjoyed it. than I studied some (only bad part of my day lol) and than the coffee house! which was a blast! and than my car didn't want to cooperate... but I just had to crawl IN MY DRESS under the car. but i got the grease stain out! Thank God I would of cried, I love that dress.

Than... I studied.... kinda. Hung out with chealsea. She's going to be my Roomie this summer! :-D Yeay!!!!
I found a place to live!! Praise God!! I can afford it and all. I also found a storage facility i can afford today!! things are clicking. I like when things click! but sure enough....... as things keep clicking....... Satan tries to interupt.
and He has... I am not sure I am going to be able to be at campbell in the Fall.

Because of the bankrupt thing and ect.. govt. controlling money and all, my dad's taxes won't be done until aug or possibly sept. if he can't find a way to get them done by time school starts..... i won't be able to be here at campbell. and I can't really take other college classes by time I figure that out because 1) won't transfer and ect. 2) I failed some that i have to "retake" and yeah.
so i may have to take a year off of school.

But good news. either way i am taking 1st summer session class. A and P and maybe not 2nd, but I'll prob stick around cuz I'll find a job. and whatnot. if I know i can't be here in the fall I am GOING to be here all summer. find a way to take classes and I'll get through this.

Hey if I have to take a year off of school..... I'll just live with the ponies for a month in october or something. I might be able to just have to take the fall session off and be here in Jan. either way I'll figure it out. I'll do photography for a semester of my life. It will be fun.

anyways..... I have a exam tomorrow... I am not stressing over it. i've studied, I'm going to keep studying and what it is it is...... hopefully I'll get a C in the class. I need it.

anyway.... peace out.

Hopefully I'll find a way to be here in the fall. I figured out how to for the summer right! One step at a time!
I am hopeful in the Lord, He is the only thing that is consistant in my life!

tears!

And the music will wipe them away
her tears are never heard
no one knows because
silently they fall to the floor

arms around her
a friend to hold her
if they knew
one may love her

But her heart can't trust
too much pain
as she trys
she pushes away

no one sees the hurt
no one feels the pain
her tears will come
longing for someone

Closing her heart
wanting it to open
she smiles up
and He is there

her tears are wiped
His arms around her
Comforter and Friend
Trustee and Lover

worthless

Help!!!
I called Josh today and when he answered he was watching a movie w/ his friends. which is cool so i told him i'd talk to him later. and he was all "what's wrong" and i mean i wanted to talk, but he wouldn't take Im okay for a answer. I was okay, i was smiling...... i mean how more OKAY can i sound?? *he said i didn't sound ok, i sounded upset* i wasn't upset..... i was fine!

Why can't i call to talk and it not be a emergency...... can i just want to talk..... guess not! Uh now i just don't want to talk to him at all....... hopefully he won't call me tonight, and I know he's going to the beach tomorrow so maybe he won't tomorrow either. I think I need to just delete his number from my phone book. I mean... AH. I'm scared I'm going to annoy him. He sounded annoyed...... like he felt "obligated" to talk to me. and I don't want that. I need to end our friendship maybe.... i don't know. ah. What's wrong with me. I'm getting attatched to him as a friend and I don't think he wants to have a friendship, he just feels obligated to be my friend. IDK what to do. if he feels obligated, than I don't want to be his friend. I mean I don't want to be a annoyance to anyone. I don't want to just be another obligation, job. geez. forget it. if he calls tonight I'm going to be like sorry I called. I don't need to talk. I'll let you get back to you own life! and hang up. but I prob won't cuz as soon as he calls i'll be happy and I don't want to be happy to talk to him. I don't want to need him as a friend. WHY do I need friends. esp when they don't need me.

:'( I'm going to just cry. cry myself to sleep. no one needs me as a friend I just hinder everyone.

I mean Darrena and miranda have moved on and obviously don't need me. Jordan and Stacie are all coupley with holly and nate. and they don't need me. heidi and josh and everyone else that hangs with them only talk to me because of FCA. they don't really want me to hang out with them just when they "run" into me they have to be nice. Al. she's my suitemate and I mean Im just here..... u know. she doesn't need me either. I'm just in the way of people.

I mean if they REALLY liked me they'd invite me to hang out, and they don't. I am just there... just a obligation to talk to..... to sit with..... to whatever........ but they'd rather just avoid me all together.

who can blame them..... i mean I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. I'm ugly, fat, no fun, obligation...... i mean who wants to be around me. no one.

:'(
I'm going to just cry myself to sleep, finish my project tomorrow.

I'm just worthless

Talking...... Blah

Today was good.

I talked to Liz and she helped me alot. I've been struggling with forgiving myself... and she helped me understand that God does forgive even this. She helped me realize I didn't commit blasphmey, because it is where God reveals Himself, His spirt to you and you harden your heart against it, and you don't change. If I had commited that sin, than I couldn't feel the holy spirit, I couldn't love God, I wouldn't feel guilty. This is just a way that satan attacks me. God wouldn't of persued me if He couldn't forgive me. I am His child and no one and nothing can snatch me away.

Than I've been dealing with trust. trusting people. Im trying to trust Josh.... it's hard. I know I need to trust.

I have this instinct to run
run from emotions: when im upset or hurting or anything I don't want to talk about them
run from feelings: when I like a guy I act like it's a "bad" thing and make it go away
run from friends: I don't talk to them, i don't get vunerable relationship
run from family: If in a fight I run
run from problems: any problem I avoid it
run from school: when school is bad I just don't go...
run from doctors: when im "sick" i avoid it
run from God: my whole life.... I try and run from Him
run from life: when things get overwhelming my thoughts are suicide

I am a coward. in everything. I want to not talk to josh or anyone else for that fact about things. and he forces me to in a good way, and I like to and it's usually pretty easy to talk to him....... up to the point of afterward when I freak out. I'm freaked out I told liz things today..... and it's bothering me, even though she helped. I don't know what I'm scared of...... I just want to not talk about it. but at the same time it feels better to talk about everything.

I know running doesn't fix anything, infact it makes it worse....... alot worse. running just post pones the problem and makes more of them. I mean I don't just avoid... i acually RUN. I mean i've run from home..... i've run from help, doctors, friends. Alcohol was a way of running..... but I still run.

I run from feelings, if I get feelings for a guy it scares me. I'm scared of relationships, scared of getting hurt. I convince myself that by running I am avoiding and preventing pain. I convince myself that there is no way the guy will want to be with me. and by doing so I avoid the hurt of getting into a relationship. I am not scared of rejection, but in a way i am. I'm scared of falling for someone, becoming vunerable with them and needing them. but if i can never do that how am i going to get married. life is much sweeter with the friendships that are intimate with girlfriends and eventually a husband. I mean even as christians, girls need other girls to rely on. we have needs no husband can meet with certain things. and that's not to knock guys. but just they can listen but can't fully understand what it's like to have a monthly period, or to give birth or things that women only can relate to.

I have one girlfriend that is there for me...... and I need to rely on her. I know I can trust her... and I am starting to confide in her.

I like josh...... and im scared. I don't #1 ruin our friendship, I think i need him to help me the way he has been #2 I am scared to get rejected. #3 even if he DID like me..... that it will inevitably end in pain.

I like him.... I like how he always encourages me toward God, he helps me grow a stronger relationship with Christ. He always knows what to say... to help me in situations...... and the advice is always helping me spiritually. I mean I find him attractive, but I didn't like him until I got to know him. He helps me become a stronger Christian and I really love that. I like who he encourages me to become. He said something that made alot of sense: the role of a girlfriend/boyfriend is to encourage eachother toward a stronger relationship with Christ. and I feel he could be that person for me. and I want to be that person for him.

But I don't know how he feels. I know we have a friendship and if that is all it ever is I am happy with that. I am leaving it to God... if He matches us to date I know we will date..... but if not it's okay. I'm going to try and leave it to Him... but I still have the feelings and I don't know what to do about them.

anyways it's late......... and I'm going to head to bed.

peace out!

push you pull me

I am pushing him away, and I need him as a friend. I don't know what to do.

I cancelled lunch today and I have lab until 5. so I prob won't get to talk to him today cuz I cancelled lunch and I don't know why besides I am scared to talk. why am I letting go. IDK. ah. I need a friend. I mean I have "friends" but I can't get personal with any of them and as I try to with him it gets scarier and harder and ahhhhh.

I just want him to talk to me...... and he wants to. but I can't. I don't know what I want him to do about it. but i am afraid he's going to get impatient and just give up. which at that point I'm stupid. why can't I talk to people?? why do I make it so hard to talk to anyone. why can't I do what my friends do with me and just open up and talk. I want to talk to him. but i don't want to risk getting hurt. and I guess u can't do that.

why do I run..... i run from everything that is hard/wrong/bad. I don't fight through things. I guess i have the "fight or flight" instinct, and mine's flight for sure.

I just want him to be patient, to not give up and find a way to make me talk. but I'm prob asking too much. I think I am........

I am not talking about him in a relationship aspect. I do NOT want to have any bf right now. I like him, but that really doesn't have anything to do with anything. cuz I just don't care about that. I just want his friendship, and i want someone I can go to. and He is trying to be there for me but I am trying not to let him and i don't know why.

Someone help....... I am struggling and it sucks. someone needs to just slap me.

Im scared about this summer, I don't know where I'm going to be........ no internship, can't do it. No bank teller job..... no bed at home...... and I really don't want to be home THAT LONG just cuz spiritually I don't know if I could handel it. and I cannot for ANYTHING find a church at home. I want to take classes here but I don't know if I can get enough loans to cover my living aspect on campus. IDK. I think I'll get enough to cover academic part........ but more than that IDK...... If I don't get it i don't know where I'll live. I don't even know where I'll work staying here. I'm confused. anyways, God will provide...... He will open a door somewhere.....

AH, he just texted me again, being totally patient as normal. I don't know how he can be patient with me being psyco. AHH
anyways i'll go.
Peace ou

Torn and alone girl!

I don't know what to do!!!!

So, I am am officially failing without hope cell and anatomy. Ok I've accepted that.
Last week and half I've studied my ass off for Botany exam which was Friday (20).
I went in there thinking I would ACE it...... guess what. I got a 62..... a 62 that's a D, what is WRONG with me. Why can't I get this stuff. I love biology but I am stupid or something. AHHH :'(

So besides that. This semester/year I had alot of friends....... and I've changed "groups" throughout my time at campbell. In fact I've done that through High School and now I'm doing it at college. why can't I keep friends. I mean I don't have fights or anything I just seem to drift away or something. So I mean, I know that the people still love and care about me for the most part...... but I seem to be distant. I mean I know if I call them they will be there for me...... but I don't hang out anymore. I eat dinners alone most of the time. I mean I have friends, jordan, stacie, darrena, miranda, josh, heidi, i mean people say hey to me and talk to me and everything.......... it just seems I don't "hang out" with anyone anymore. I don't "belong" anywhere. I feel very alone. but I know people love me and care about me, I just don't feel like I belong in a single group. and than summer is here soon and I don't even KNOW what is going to happen with that. I'm very very scared.

I feel like I've wasted a whole semester academically....... screwed myself OVER. than I mean i have someplace to live, but I don't really feel like I "belong" at home..... i don't have a room right now or bed and idk. Im just lost

Than my dreams today.. UHH confusing.

I am torn. do I get vunerable with him or not. IDK
I'm scared Im going to get hurt. I mean I can either take his hand and hold on and he can help me or I can say no and let go and drown. IDK. Should i even tell him about the dream. I mean he'll prob find a way to get me to tell him but I don't want to. AH AH AH.

I will see him tomorrow.......

Night. I'll update later

3 am rant

So... Today I met with Dr. G about Cell bio... she was really nice about it... so my fear was not justified. She didn't yell at me, she understood and that was that. She said I do not have to go to class, it won't offend her if I don't. but I can come if I want to. Which I think I will still go. Than I talked to Dr. B about cell and anatomy. Told him I am failing and I don't that is that, and I screwed up and I'm sorry. and He accepted that. and We're going to fix it together. than that somehow turned into a "trusting people" lecture. just that I need to find someone I can confide in with life, spiritually, emotionally. and I have never been able to really really do that. It scares me to trust people. all relationships, friendships and all seem to end inevitably in pain. and that scares me.

anyways we'll get back to that.

The other night, monday. I had a BAD day I broke down and yeah. I was pretty low. I spent most of the day crying and it just was hard. I skipped class..... and J.K. texted me checking on me. and I told him honestly no. so he got up with me that night.... and i was NOT okay at all by that point. I had talked to dr. m through e-mail and he was "conerned" and dr. b was to and dr. G as well. so it was just a bad day. Well he called and ended up taking me out. we talked and i needed it very much. I acually felt releif on talking to him. but he did force me to bring up what was really the root of some things. I mean we talked alot of classes and spiritually what I should do and things like that. than it went into deeper stuff I won't type here....... on the way home. by telling him I had to face it. and I am struggling with forgiveness (see below). same issue as i wrote that on.

well tonight..... after having talked to dr. b and G. i was not "upset" just needed to talk. so I called J.K. and he had practice.... than he called me back and yeah it turned into phone tag. I texted him that if he wasn't busy or sleeping to please call me. He was gonna call me tomorrow but I guess something wouldn't let him sleep, he called me about 1 not being able to sleep... partially because of my text and I was on his heart I guess.
So we talked about what me and dr. b talked about with trust. I hope he got out of it that I have trusted him with alot more than I have ever trusted anyone and that I'm scared. I basically told him that I'm scared about it. So I am hoping that I don't run from him as a friend. I need him but i'm scared at the same time. I hope he doesn't hurt me.....
talking to him made me realize tonight that my trust issues... is at a root of trusting Christ. at least it should be. I need to trust that through Him i need to put myself out there. I need to trust other Christians and even though I will get hurt, the Loyalty is Christ will never hurt me so I am safe in Him. But to truely trust Him, I also have to trust other Christians because He is in them also. So that helped.

But there was alot to our conversation.... I got vunerable.... I don't really like that I did... but in a way I do like that I did.

But as J.K. said... it won't happen overnight. I just have to keep trusting Christ to take it and bring me through it and it will happen. same with forgiveness it won't happen over night... forgiving myself...... but it starts with a committment to give it to Him and let Him change it.

So that is where I am at. I am giving this stuff to Christ. I am giving my relationship with J.K. *friendship sense* to Christ. and Let Him do with it what He pleases. I know He will not leave me if all else does. I know He will be faithful to me, it is His promise. I may not like what He does, but He will never leave my side, let go of my heart. and I can take comfort in that, I can confide in other Christians because I know Christ is there and taking me through it. But I know over night I can't go tell my secerets to everyone. I shouldn't do that. But... as i know it is a little "risky" just cuz J.K. is a guy, but I don't care. I feel the most comfortable talking to him for whatever reason. I feel I can confide in him, even though it's risky. I've learned building relationships with guys that are friendships sometimes leads feelings to more than friendship on my part. but I am giving it to Christ, and I won't let myself feed on that. But I feel that when I talk to him, these things just come out..... and it scares me but they come out. at least the things can come out. So I give this to Christ. and I will trust that He is loyal. and I will trust that even if friendships end bad, He will be there. and I take comfort in that.

Night

Forgiveness

I struggle with forgiveness.
Now most people would agree they do to. It's hard to forgive someone who has wronged you the way that God forgives us when we wrong Him ALL the time, Daily.

But I acually don't struggle as much with this as I do with forgiving one person in particular
Myself. I have trouble forgiving myself for the things I've done to myself and to others. My parents, sister, family, friends, brothers and sisters. I just seem to dwell on the things I have done wrong, even before I was a Christian.

Recently there have been a few things in particular, that have felt like even the Lord can't forgive this...... but I am wrong. He can and DOES forgive them, ALL of my sins and wrongs, past present and future. Now I know that....... and I've "known" that. but a few weeks ago I came to something that I was like No..... not even the Lord can forgive this. and This thing has eaten away at me for weeks. Finally I have broken down. I spent most of the day in tears...... I spent the other time in the shower.
I ended up talking to a friend, who picked me up and got me OUT of my dorm room, which I don't even think he knew how bad I needed out. but talking to him helped me alot........ I needed to talk and I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I acually had ending my own life cross my mind a few times. That scares me. I haven't seriously thought those thoughts in about 2 1/2; 3 years.

Now back to forgiveness. For the first time in weeks since this I am able to read God's word and not feel pain. I sit here and I read.

Luke 5:20 "Friend, your sins are forgiven."
Luke 6:37 " Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven."
Now in context the first is to a paralytic who Jesus heals. but His teaching is also to the Pharisees and to us, we are forgiven through our faith.
The second, talking about judging one another. which we are all guilty of at points. I know I am
Well....... I took it also into the context of I not only have to forgive my enemy and my friends and love them to hold the Lords command, To be forgiven myself. I have to forgive myself before God will forgive me. I cannot judge myself, I cannot condemn myself, and I must forgive myself. in doing so.... I will saved. because doing these things to others and myself the Lord forgives me. and I will be welcome home into His arms.

I truely have to give it to the Lord. Let Him take it all..... He already paid for it I just have to hand it to Him.

So. For the first time in weeks I will sleep at peace. For the first time in weeks I can spend time in prayer with the Lord, Oh I've missed my time. and For the first time in weeks I am reading God's word and it doesn't hurt.

Why does it take getting to this point, even after accepting Christ as my Savior, to really get what I know? I mean the Lord has brought me out of my lowest points in life..... but I guess I still bring myself to that point until I will stop fighting Him.

Lord, I love You and You are my Savior, my Redeemer. Thank You

Friday 13

I'm bored.....
Nothing much is new, easter went well and I'm glad to be back at campbell.

There is only 16 days until exams!! That's crazy
I'm sad...... i'm going to miss campbell...... It feels like there's no way its been a whole academic year. WOW My birthday is the 29th too! I'll be 19... i'm excited.
This summer is going to be fun, I'll be in VT. Camping, hiking. doing environmental biology.

This will be a great internship I think. I'm super excited. I'm going to lose alot of weight prob too....... hiking 5 miles sometimes more a day...... wow. It will be tough but I know I can do it. I'm going to start getting in shape now...... so i don't die.

I have to find a way to afford to buy the gear I need...... but I know I'll find a way. This will be a good minstery oppurtunity I think. I will be with a group of people for 2 months. June 18 until August 8th Yeay!!!!! Wow I'm excited

So I thougth I had a botany exam today..... but it is acually NEXT friday. I crammed for it too. I'm happy! I think I'll do well on it cuz I get to study all weekend.
Yeay!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways'
I have a new crush.... but I'm not going to worry about it. I hope he likes me, but I'll let it play it'self out

:'( I Screwed Up

AHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHH

I am very fustrated with myself. ERRERRRERRR

I screwed up big big time. I have really screwed myself over this time.

there is now officially NO WAY I am going to be ABLE to pass A and P which means

I am failing FOR SURE 2 out of 3 classes....... HOW stupid can I get.

I don't even Know if campbell will let me stay here next year. I hope so.
AH There is nothing I can do to fix this....... nothing........ i mean it's too late. my fate is determined. I don't know what to do. :'( AH :'(

I need out........ i want to go for a long long long drive but I can't afford the gas.
AH

Interesting few days...... and still to come more

So... to my last post. I am not irritated w/ campbell anymore..... i have a meeting w/ the lady... and I wrote her back what I thought....... a slight milder version of the post..... but yeah.
Anyways... Warning...... I am out of it.... I have a cucusion. I can't spell either. I can't remember things very well. so... deal w/ me for now. I want to write how I feel being in the state of confusion.
Well I know Monday I flipped off my chair. I layed there on the ground and everything was black I could hear my radio still. I tried to yell for Al, my suitmate. but I couldn't get loud... it sounded like a whisper. I gave up after a lil bit of trying. I just layed there and prayed for help.... I don't know how long I layed there. I just remember thinking I'd be there all night or forever. I couldn't move. I than hear the best sound I have ever heard in a long time. Someone knocked at my door. It took EVERY ounze of energy to yell come in. she said she heard me but it wasn't loud. Danielle who i don't know very well, was dropping off a cell lab to me for heidi who had just sent her to my room. she found me on the floor. she than got heidi and I don't know who else..... i know the RA and RD but I couldn't see well, I sat up. it was weird. nothing hurt at all. I mean my head. they put ice on it but i couldn't feel the cold. it was weird. they took me to the hospital. I got a CT scan..... and nothing major just a minor cuncusion. But I still can't remember things. like number........ birthday, my seat, my SS#, my phone number, any numbers really. I keep having to look the up. It's weird I forget times and where things are and when im supposed to go to class and such.
It's scary... not being able to think about something you KNOW. I've broken down in tears a few times...... well more than a few. but EVERYONE has been such a blessing. OMG I could not have gotten through this without everyone. People's prayers are so much appreciated too I mean I don't want to leave campbell. I need these people all of them!!!
I mean Heidi stayed the night and woke me up every 2 hours and got me to take meds through out the night. and got me to CUW and find my seat. Josh talking to my instructor for lab. Danielle for finding me!!! She also came to the hospital and I'm going to her lab tonight. that I missed. Jordan and Stacie have been a GREAT help, reminding me where to eat and reminding me of EVERYTHING..... and some made up stuff *cough cough jordan* lol. I know we didn't switch cell phones before I hit my head HA HA. My RA Holly has helped me and my Suite mate oh Al. I love Al. KJ one of the pastors has called me to check on me multiple times and offer me help as well as Jessie. I just don't know what I need.... I'm really out of it. Everyone's been there for me. Darrena and miranda and So many people I cna't even think. Chealsea heard from lawrence who Idk that well. wow things travel fast among groups here. In a good way. I have people praying for me. It's awsome. Dr. bartlett and Dr. metz helped me yesterday some. it's just amazing. I have a Interview tomorrow I pray that I can do well on. I hope I have enough memory back. cuz I don't know the name or person or number to call and reschedual :-(. My mom and dad have been really worried. it's scary that's for sure.

I just pray that God will bless every single person for they're prayers, help, in minor to big ways they all mean ALOT to me. I know I'm forgetting people that I just can't think of. UHH it's fustrating. anyways I have a meeting or something to go to....... i'll ttyl

God.... Thank you for sending a rescuer. You look out for me, Your arms are always wrapped around me and I know that. Thank You Lord

Slightly......

I am slightly irritated. It's monday UHHHHH
BUT I did have a AMAZING weekend...... :-D
But first we'll do the irritated.
so.... I have problems sleeping and I freaking e-mail the "stupid campbell counselors" that I can't sleep basically. and they e-mail me back that I have to call or come by to make a appt i can't e-mail them....... WHY can't I e-mail them MAYBE just MAYBE I don't want to just call and feel like a idiot. I don't even know why I bothered. it was stupid to want help anyway God is the only one who can help me. I just want to sleep at night is that so much to ask!!!!!!! UHHHHHH What is that was a "I want to kill myself" thing I mean would they say no you can't e-mail us for help you have to call us for help. and the person would go kill themselves. It's stupid. If I want to e-mail them for help I should be able to. maybe I don't like talking on the phone to some random person/stangers about my problems. it's not as scary through e-mail. I hate people. I don't know why campbell even has a counselor is they won't help me. I mean it's supposed to be for "anything" stress, sleep, relationships, ANYTHING and they go and say No you have to contacts us blah blah.... what if I was reaching out for just a little help and they're gonna ask me to call them. Screw It. I don't need help. I'll just take sleeping pills or Nyquil or a shot of vodka before I go to bed....... they sure aren't helping. They can take my tuition money and shove it up their @$$. "we're all about you" or whatever their "moto" is screw it they can stick that us their..... along with my money. I just wanted a little help. I don't need a freaking appointment....... I'm not crazy I don't need to "talk". UHHH
Okay.... I'm taking a break before I write the rest of my blog about the weekend!!!

So I went camping this weekend and it was AWSOME!! I had so much fun fellowshiping with my church family and than FCA. I was nervouse about Saturday w/ FCA because I only knew 2 people going. and I didn't even know that all that well. but It was fun. I met people and it was really really good. I didnt' get much sleep... i stayed up talking to josh and steven till 4am..... well acually I fell asleep on josh and than later (4am) went to sleep. I was trying to stay awake...... I was interested and listening but I couldn't help it........ the 2 1/2 miles there and back with all my camping gear was fun!! I love that stuff. It wore me out though. Hiking back after I split up w./ the group to go meet my parents earlier than they were leaving was really really good. I spend alot of time with God and it was just really awsome. I love being in nature It makes me feel so much closer to God and clears my head. I've made a decision about transfering. I am staying at Campbell UNLESS I can't afford it..... if the door is forced closed than I'll go to App. but until than...... I'm staying here. I am unclear if He is telling me or something else. and He has given me different things to make me want to stay more. and He has erased the only "just" reason of going there and given me MORE on why NOT to go..... so I am going to stick to it and I know that as long as I keep focusing on Him that I will be clear. and I feel at peace with this decision so I beleive this is it. I also think.... by talking to Josh that one reason I could be feeling like this is that God is just trying to get my attention. For me to persue Him spiritually deeper and in doing so make my decision clear. and That's what I've been doing........ and I am going to continue to spend more quiet time in His word. In doing so I beleive He will make sure I am clear on Him. and I beleive that this is the correct path..... and until He shows me different I will remain at campbell. and I will spend more time with Him, in his word.

I spend Sunday night with my parents. It was really good. My dad did a workshop with popular photography. after, we had dinner the man who put it together, and another presenter and a guy who does alot with B and H. It was really cool being able to listen to them talk. I mean I was sitting there and talking to these guys. and after I was thinking " Wow I was just sitting at a table with some pretty high up photographers" and they got to see my work and just getting my foot in the door with them is a great thing. So I just feel blessed by this weekend. He was def. showing me ALOT. and I thank Him..... wow

Praise the Lord
~His Love~

Never a Dull Moment......

So.... my life is never dull...... ever ever.
I love my suit mate and my friends but latley.... idk.... i am praying for patience.

Last week... Thursday night. BTW I had a BIG BIG cell/molecular test fri morning. I get back to my room and I'm studying....... I hate cell... i really do. i am BAD at it. well... anyways I'm. studying next thing I know my suite mate has friends over...... and they were watching a game i think being LOUD......... which I am usually fine with but I was studying. so anyways i'm like whatever i'll just study. than I head rucus... and she was doing something on her computer and it froze and she punch the living crap out of it....... alcohol..... no judgement. so she than wants to throw it out the window cuz now it's BROKE. so I took it into my closet and kept it from further damage. well they decide to go clubbing. TY!! so i study.... they get back to the room about 1 and I was getting ready for some sleep. and suitmate drank IDK what...... but it made her violent. So there were also cops outside for something else and she wanted to "talk" to them..... and I was keeping her in the room...... and for no reason she punches me..... like quite a few times. I was slightly salty. *mad* well next thing I know she runs out of the room... get her in and she FINALLY passes out on the floor. another girl who was drunk as well is sleeping in the room w/ her. so they both pass out...... :-D YES sleep time right!!! and its prob about 2 now.... I have big cell test the next day.... which I was going to wake up 2 hours before and review some more. nevertheless.... 4am.... i hear "COLUCCI COLUCCI GET UP GET UP" and it was my suite mate..... she goes THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER!!! HELP.
So...... needless to say I jump outta bed i'm thinking the worst.... get over there..... all I'll say is I don't know what she drank or took or whatever but she was NOT good. She went to the hospital. she's okay now. finally get back to sleep..... and i think the alarm went off LOL.
Well After my test I had a interview at home so I rushed home....... I sliced my finger open..... TO THE BONE!!!! and yeah. sucks! weekend was good at home.
I didn't want to come back so I came on Monday..... I got back Just intime for class. OH BTW, I missed my anatomy class Fri cuz of my test...... I was studying for it. and so I get to anatomy.... and we have a quiz AHH and I def didn't study for it. BUT I got 2 or the 3 questions right...... *they're for our next test* anyways.. not pleasent. THAN I got my anatomy test BACK..... UHH I failed......... :'( not cool. so I finally get through my next 2 classes. I still hadnt been to my room I go to my car to drive and get a quick lunch before my lab..... and well..... i left my lights on and it was dead. AHHh just GREAT. so Jordan picked me up and I got lunch and than lab...... than I talked to Dr. Bartlett and he is trying to convince me not to transfer. I'm still not sure.... and that's another issue. anyways Will came and got my jeep running. thank God!!

Well that night I didn't get much done..... suitemate kept me up a while........ got some studying for my anatomy Practicle the next morning. Well.... yeah Def knew everything on it..... but I think I miss spelled everything on it....... that's not good I know. so I think I failed. which really sux cuz If I did...... i'm prob not passing the class for the semester. UHHHHHHHHH
well CUW was AMAZING and GOOD so that was good..... and I studied all day until 3pm for Botany which I had today. I than went to dinner...... which was Amazing too. I love my church family. It was such a releif to me. To get to fellowship with people that I can talk to..... and I feel like I have a family. To get away from this campus is much much needed. esp than. It was def a blessing we cancelled the week before I needed it yeasterday!
anyways..... I get back from dinner. its bout 1045. and i was going to study for botany. I called out to my suite mate to see how she was..... well next thing I hear is her friends in the hallway saying... "Help us..... al's going to beat... so and so's ass" Uhhh so that sharade..... turned into a LATE night. I mean it was good. I got her calmned down...... we talked alot about self-control through God and the Holy Spirit. we read scripture and talked about sexual imorality and drinking and such. and bout 2am she left.... and I layed down....... and about 3 she comes back from seeing a guy.... and she goes Colucci..... I didn't sleep with him!! i didn't do it!! SO that was DEF a plus!!!! I was very proud of her. even tho i was sleeping. I wake up this morning at 6 and studied more botany...... I studied through my 2 classes before it. BUT I went to class....... just studied during them. I think i did good on the test!! I'm excited to find out. I got my cell test back though....... before I took my botany one..... UHHHH I def failed it HORRIBLY. like I think I would of done better statisticlly if I would of randomly picked answers. I def got a 11.5% and NO that's not a typo....... i suck. THAN..... before we took botany...... dr. metz was just "talking or whatever" and he said somethign of the line "I head the cell test was really hard. The lowest grade was an 11...... I don't see how someone could score that low... i don't understand it....... I guess they never listen or study..... My test shouldn't be too hard......" than he passed them out. I don't think he had a clue it was me with the 11.... :'( After class he said How'd u do on cell? I said "I dont' want to talk about it and walked away" Uhh I feel like I am the stupidest person in the WORLD right now....... what is up w/ that........ I feel so stupid. am i? I hate Cell Biology. ERRRRRR *evil look at cell book* I don't know how I'm going to get through college........ retaking courses...... i'll be here for 8 years and get a bachelor degree. lol.
Well today...... I babysat at grace which was fun. than I got a movie... figured I'm done w/ test.... im "celebrating" my 11.5%!! I got chocolate and a movie....... :-D lol than........ mid movie suitemate comes over and I've been up tutoring her for her statistics class tomorrow........ she's freaking out she's gonna fail and I'm good at statistics....... so it's 1:30am again........ and I have a lab at 9am....... Oh I love my life......... But I really do!!

There's never a dull moment eh?


Also....... my friend here at campbell are amazing people and I love them
But some of them, 2 in paticular have kinda not purposely "ditched" me but yeah. I mean we used to hang out alot and such.... and one just started dating her first BF and now she doesn't have time for me or the other girl. I'm happy for her...... I just worry she's going to hurt friend and push them away. I know myself.... and I know that no matter what she does...... I'll be there to support her.... even if she pushed me away. I just don't want her to make her new bf her "life" because letting a guy take all your time right off the bat isn't healthy.... you still have to have a life. I worry she's going to make mistakes i made... and try and make it a serious relationship too soon. You don't want to go from Hi let's date to acting like a married couple..... been there done that ends BAD. usually.

Than the other girl has a guy that they've been "talking" for the past 3 months. going on 4. all 4 of these people..... my other friend and her new bf and this girl and this guy are strong Christians. I just wish that my friend and this guy...... mostly this guy. they need to stop hangin out and basically acting like bf and gf (not kissing and such just always over late at night and all) and I am just worried, they're at the point they need to go one way or the other......... and I worry for her heart. I worry that they are not morally being "right" because they both obviously like eachother they're just ignoring it. and the way they're acting is just not right..... outside of a relationship. I mean its not anything sinful just not right in my opinion and my friend has said so to. I think she just needs to either walk away or jsut spit it out that she likes him...... he hints about it all the time and tried to get her to say it. but he won't say it either. fustrates me i guess I just want to protect her from getting hurt. but I know that's not my job. That's God's. anyways......

they're both "pre-occupied" with their situations......... and I feel a little on the back burner which is okay..... i just feel alone a little bit...... but yet....... so much going on...... which is kinda why i need a good friend....... but they're busy...... :( anyways
tha'ts my rant


Thank You Lord for the patience and self-control You granted me. Thank You Lord, for the grace of letting me be able to help others....... and keeping me in check by showing me how "stupid" I still am. I love You Lord.... Your love mercy and grace!!
Thank you for today...... Let me sleep in peace!

Melissa

What is wrong with me!

I'm going down the wrong path...... I over slept my alarm and missed classes. again. what Is wrong with me. I wanted to go to class yet I don't. I keep wanting to drink horribly bad. but I've resisted. I don't know how much longer I can. I feel like I'm drifting from my Lord..... my life is doing things that are useless. I can't manage my time or anything. Why can't I just put life on pause for a few days...... I really need to. I keep praying. My classes are going so fast and I can't keep up I need to though. and I don't know what to do.........
AHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Lord, HELP ME. Pull me near, guide me.
I need to concentrate, I need to focus, I need to do this. Help me.....

as I sit here....

So, I am sitting in the Oasis right now... I am thinking about going to Monday Night Bible Study, but I'm tired and If I go I know I'll be there until late. so I think I'm going to pass I'm very tired. Today has been good/bad/weird. Last night I stayed up late with darrena having "girl" talk and than studying..... I took an hour nap from 2am to 3am than I woke up and studied some more...... I had a test at 9am this morning. UHH I really don't think I did good on it either. I mean... I don't know what I'm going to do..... I want to just cry out to someone, and have it fixed. And I have been, I cry out to my Lord. But His will seems to let me worry myself. and Yet in all my worrying and studying I seem to not manage my time well enough. I need to get more done. Yet I am writing this blog... or doing any other thing. I am overwhelmed with classes and studying and all. I just don't seem to know how to handel it anymore. It is very fustrating. I hate school...... I don't want to do it anymore but I know I have to. And I know it's what God wants. So why can't I be pleased with it? I should WANT to study and learn. and It's not that I don't, it just seems impossible. It feels like I can't do it. Why do people beleive I am "so smart" and "I can do anything" why can't I just struggle and it be okay. because I feel like its not OKAY for me to struggle. I mean I'm "supposed" to be the doctor/vet. I mean everyone has high expectations for me. and I don't want them. But I do want them I just want it to be okay that if I DON"T want to be a vet or doctor for that to be OKAY.

I want to do photography, I want to be able to worship and serve my Lord through my photography.... is that SO much to ask? Is it possible? Can I acually do that? It seems like the harder thing to do would be vet school/med school. But, to me, the scarier and harder thing is photography. I am good at it, I know that. But am I good enough... am I acually ABLE to do it?
It's scary. than I wonder why I worry over my earthly dwelling.... things that are worldly... why do I worry about these things. I am a Christian, I should only be focusing on serving my Lord. yet I can't help it. It's a constant internal battle with myself. and eitherway I lose..... but I know the only way to truely win is Christ. But yet I know I have this practicle on thurs. and I know that I prob failed my west civ exam today. and I have another practicle on Monday...... Do the practicles, exams, test, quizes ever end? I just want them to end. This spring/mid term break is coming VERY welcomed. I want to just party it up but I know I can't...

My dad and mom...... they are great. but today they fustrated me. I don't know who to ask for advice...... I need some. I want to just cry..... but I know that is stupid and won't solve anything. I need an adult to ask advice and I don't know who I can ask........ I don't like this. its very fustrating. I have things beyond this on my mind.... I need advice how to help my parents.... and my family in general. and I have questions about following God, yet I can't ask. and I ask him BUT I still am unclear.

Pray for me....... and I know I need it, I feel alone.
Melissa

24 hours to live......

If I only have 24 more hours to live, what would I do. This is put to a challenge sort of today at church. But I want to acually write it out.
First of all. I would see my parents, I would look into my parents eyes and tell them how much they have done for me, how much they mean to me. and How much I love them, and that I wouldn't of wanted any other parents, I would of taken them on the streets over a parent who's rich and I never get to see. My parents raised me... and I am grateful more than anything for that one thing. I know both my parents, I respect both of them, and I am best friends with both of them. I know there is NOTHING I could do to make them not love me or accept me. I know that I can tell them anything..... and that they will help me, even when I don't want them to. I have a mom and a dad. not a mother and father. I love my parents so much, they don't even know how much. Mom: I have enjoyed the many many nights of our talking late and gossiping. I am glad you are a MOM and a FRIEND.... You love me unconditionally. and for that THANK YOU. I love you so much. You have done so many amazing things for me. and there is nothing I would change about you. I love you.
Dad: I love you. As I have said If I can find a man to marry that is half the man you are I will be so lucky. You are the one man that has given me hope of a decent guy for me. I love our photography time together and I love everything about you. You are my hero daddy. and I am glad you are always there to help me. and "bail" me out. I love you so daddy. thank you for being a dad not just a father.... I couldn't of had a better dad, or mom. thank you for that. Thank you for being my "buddy" my "pal" and my best friend dad. I love you for everything you do, you love me unconditionally. thank you.

second: I would tell my sister how much I love her. I would look at her, and tell her she is my best friend, even when we don't get along. I would tell her: " I don't know where you stand with Christ, but Please, accept Him, follow Him, read His word, Love HIM, worship Him. The things here on earth are fun, but look at the big picture. Eternal life my sister, eternal life is what I want you to have. I want you to KNOW JESUS CHRIST. He wants you, He loves you. If I could have one thing from you, is for you to devote your life to Christ. For you to really know to love Him to know Him. It is the most fullfilling thing on earth. You feel lost sometimes, and I know that, I know you feel alone, you tell me so. With Christ, Him in you heart, which He is knocking on. You will NEVER be alone. You will gain a family much greater than what you see with your eyes. To follow Christ, is the most amazing feeling, Once following Him, His will, He will lead you to the place you want but just don't know it yet. He has a man for you, one that won't hit you, won't abuse you emotionally, one that will be trustworthy, and loyal and loving. A Christian man. If I could pick ONE man for you, it would be a Christian man. But to be with that man that I see for you, you have to have Christ, you have to WANT Christ, and want that man. You have to long and pine for the love of Christ.
It is really simple my sister. If you beleive that Christ is real, which I beleive you do. It is not to only beleive He exist, but to want Him, to long to serve Him, to devote yourself to Him. No that doesn't mean you will be perfect. None of us are.... no one can be. You will fail. And you can still have fun. But the beauty of it.... the awsomeness of it. Is that when you fail, when you make stupid mistakes, all He does is wrap His love around you. and Forgive you. He will give you Peace, Love, Hope, Mercy, Grace. Wow Grace.... special grace. It is amazing my sister. Things you can only feel. Things you cannot describe on this earth. Once you have this.... once you ask God to forgive you, to love you, to have mercy on you. You repent, you admit, that you NEED Him, that You can't do it alone, that you don't want to do it alone, that you want His love, You say I beleive in you Lord Jesus Christ, I love you, Forgive me for I have sinned, forgive me for I will sin, Love me Lord, I am your servent Lord, I love you, have mercy on me, and guide me. I accept You in my Heart Lord.
Once you have done this..... and really truely mean it..... your life is changed. You will stand before the King one day as HIS child. His love will make you clean, His blood, spilled on the cross, will flush away ever thing bad. and this my sister....... this is the best feeling in the world, the most intimate feeling. You will not be alone, even if you feel it. Christ will watch over you. He does now even if you don't want Him to. My sister, I love you, and I wish one thing for you. I wish for your heart to be opened, opened by the Holy Spirit. I wish you to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, and for you to Follow Him. This..... for THIS I would give up all earthly things. I would give my human life for you to gain a spiritual eternal life with Christ. If I could only do this I would. I would give it up without a second thought. There is nothing on this earth that someone could give me, take from me to make me not give up everything for your eternal life. But our God doesn't work that way. The only thing I can do is tell you this. Tell you that Eternity is coming SOON, that your time is running out..... that soon..... SOON our King will come, Or He will take your life...... before you have found Him my sister. and That.... if these two days come without your eternal life bought.... bought by your love and asking Him to enter your heart. Without that my sister... my best friend... I am afraid for you. I am afraid of your judgement day sister. I want you in Heaven. I long for you to spend eternity with me. With our Lord. Sister, If I could tell you anything. and for you to take it. I would tell you to RIGHT NOW right this SECOND. truely beleive in Christ our Lord. Beleive in His love and mercy and grace. Beleive in all His forgiveness. and Sister, Ask HIM, Tell Him you love Him. Tell Him you need Him, Ask Him for forgiveness, ask for His mercy and grace. and Sister... it WILL be given. His love will surround you and your spiritual eternal life will be safe. After this: read His word, seek out a church, NOT because it is "required" but because your spiritual being will grow in this church. Because the fellowship and love in a Church is God's love. A church is not a "task" it is a home. It should be a place where their only concern is Biblical truth. This church will become a home, a safe haven from the world. This church will be a family. and it can feel like a family so much. Be more than just a "sunday" going church person. Be active and know the people in the church. This will create a love setting of a family that is indescribable. These things sister, I want you to have I long for you to feel and become. You are independent. that is okay...... but why? why not rely on a family.... a family bigger then mom dad and me.... it's okay. and infact it is amazing. Yes you can do it alone....... but than my sister....... you'll be alone. I love you..... and the feeling of Christ, the love you receive, from Him, from His children..... it's something that NOTHING, NO ONE on this EARTH can replace. I've never been happier since really following Christ...... and it's amazing. I want this for you. I want you to be Happy. But more than anything in the whole world. I want you to be saved! I want you to feel what I feel. I want you to accept Christ into you heart! and Sister...... It's free. Your eternal life is free and effortless. In fact I think it makes everything EASIER. Better. Happier. I will pray for you sister. I pray that you see this, feel this, and I pray you pray. I pray that you will allow Christ to enter your heart. He's knocking sister.... He's asking..... you just don't know it.
I will leave you with this. I love you, Christ Love's you. If there was not another thing I could say to you it is If you accept Christ and follow Him, you will not regret. You will see me in heaven sister..... our eternal spirits together. This is my hope, my prayer.

Third, I would tell all my friend How much they have been angels sent to me, how much their guidence has been God sent. They have helped me in SO manyways I cannot even fathom.

My brothers and sisters in Christ: Thank you. Thank you SO much for the things you've done big and small on this earth. It's beyond what I could of imagined. Showing me Christ's love...... Nothing could make me thank you enough for your guidence and love. Amazing love. You, all of you are walking Angels. All of you have made a deep impact on my life. I thank you, and I will see you out of this fleshy body with our King. and That day..... that day my brothers and sisters. A great and glourious day! Pray for that day, It is near! I love you all. Worship our Lord, Follow Him close..... He is coming, and soon my brothers and sisters.

I would pray to my Lord: that He has mercy on me, that He loves me, that He will grant me mercy and grace as I stand before Him. I will thank Him for His amazing power and love. His glourious home and mercy and grace that is beyond beleif. Thank you Lord, Jesus Christ. Thank you for dying on the cross. for being tortured for me, for my sins. You took my place and spilt Your own blood so I could stand before the Father as clean and pure. Which I am anything but...... Thank you Jesus, Thank you my Lord, thank you my Savior, my Messiah, my All in All. Thank you Christ!

Guard my heart.....

So I've heard over and over since I've been saved to "guard your heart". and I never really understood it. I mean I've built this WALL around my heart...... but that's not what it means. I realize after listening to a radio broadcast that I not only need a wall...... I need to keep my fears and past hidden as well. Hidden from boys. My past is something that opens the door for pain. It opens a small portion of my heart to those who I tell. I need to keep some things... which I have. There are parts of my past/ex-fiance that NO ONE knows.... that I haven't told anyone. I don't know if its because it's too personal or if it's just because I'm ashamed of it. BUT I realize that I need to NOT tell..... I mean yeah I can tell that I have an ex-fiance.... but I don't have to explain. My worry is I cannot really share much of my testimony without telling at least that he was a con artist. and That I ran away.... So do I not tell my testimony? Or what? Is this was actually "guarding my heart is". If so It's too late with this new boy...... I've told him about my past. Uh I'm stupid huh? I need to keep my big mouth shut. I found myself today telling my friend Miranda things that I never have told anyone.... I actually had some old memories that I've forgotten about come up. I don't know if I have some how managed to block these memories.

How do I guard my heart? How do I not let a guy know too much about me? Should I just keep everything a secret....? I don't know. I'm confused. I need help!! I'm 18 years old. I've done my "fair share" of dating.... I mean..... but never dating as a Christian. I was always.... I don't know. I mean as bad as it is...... If I liked a guy I would straight up walk up to him tell him and if I was at a party I'd just make-out with him..... if not more. and Sometimes never even knowing his name. My ex-bf kyle..... I just was friends with him a WHILE and we basically "dated" without the commitment before he made it. and I gave away my heart..... and alot more...... and than my ex-fiance Thomas..... I met him at a club... somehow managed to becoming bf and gf....... and next thing I know it was like we had been dating a long time... and I gave more than my heart to him way too soon as well.... than we got engaged and ect........

I just don't know how to date anymore. With my past........ why would any decent Christian guy want a girl with my past. Most of them have a list of what they want..... virgin is usually at the top! I disqualify myself right off the bat. plus It's not like I'm some model.... I don't know. will I ever get married? ever be able to fall in love again? ever meet a man that will love me for me and for all the mistakes I've made and continue to make? Ever a man that will see past my appearance and see my heart? Am I even able to let a man see my heart if I'm guarding it? It I have this wall of protection? I don't know

Help..........

Life.... as of today

SO as of today........ Life is good. God is good. Classes...... well I'm behind. Friends are amazing. I'm feeling more pulled toward my photography.... and all together I am happy. I am at a friends suite tonight helping her. I pray to God that He comforts her...

Classes...... so much to do... I need to stay buckled DOWN and HARD on them you know? it's difficult. Sometimes I wish I was just a college student without any classes...... without the "college" part. lol just lived in the dorms...... had fun..... and yeah. but guess not.... I acually need an education. I do enjoy classes...... just all the studying..... I feel as if my life is going by so fast. I want to so bad just get through this semester...... AND I know I need good grades. I wish this was easier.... but I know it can't be. I want learning through osmosis.... that would be AWSOME. lol

My parents are still doing good. I miss them badley. I want to see my Dad and Mom and Sister. I don't think I'll go home until Feb 9th at this rate. My sister's 20th B-day.

Boys..... oh this boy. Kills me. I don't think me trying to AVOID him is working..... I keep seeing him..... everyday..... I mind...... than I don't :-D I wish I could just get over him and not like him. But I've given up. I'm just going to be friends with him, pretend I don't like him.... and hopefully find something wrong with him to make myself NOT like him you know? Acually I'm just giving up. Let God handel it.... He can control the situation much better than me..... in fact I don't even want control, I mess things up. lol. God knows...... He'll let me get hurt or protect me, or make me fall for him or show me WHY not to like him for something....... right?

I'll just keep praying, about classes, Life path..., boys, future husband/family, Parents/sister..., and friends. I don't know what else to do. Don't you wish you could just control things easier.

I realize that I've done stupid things. I found a note from my HS sophomore year..... from a really cute sweet boy whom I dated for a few short weeks and dumped because "that's just what I did" I remember likeing him........ but it had been a week over my limit *which was 2 weeks* and I had another "target". so I dumped him over Thanksgiving break. Uh I was stupid. Not that he was "the one" just like...... I have done stupid things.

I want to meet the man I am going to spend forever with. The man who will love me, every little bit of me. My flaws, my faults, my mood swings, and happiness and sadness and syco crazyness. LOL I want a Good Christian man. A man who had things in common with me. Likes nature, like to spend time camping or whatever. a man who puts God first in his life, a Man who isn't afraid to love me. I know I'm afraid. A man who can laugh at my stupid sillyness. when I do "blonde" things or when I can't deal with my own emotions he will just say. It's okay. When I am fustrated with my sins... he will comfort me. A man that can accept that I've made mistakes and love me for them. Someone who will be a gentalman, and just make me feel special. A honest. trustworthy, non-cheating man. A Christian.

That's not a "list" that's just what I want...... and it's not something you see on the outside.
I don't know... God knows who's right for me, He will match me up with my "one". I just hope he does before I graduate..... if that is His will. It may be I never marry.... and I spend eternity with God. That would be great to. I would still like a partner in flesh though. But I know God knows what I need, want, and don't need.
I give up my wants, needs, feelings, emotions to whatever His will is.

It's His. If He wants me to keep liking this boy... I guess I will.
Anyways It's late.
~In Christ's Love~
Melissa

Boys and the Pain

So I am so torn. I like this boy, I just met him. I spent time with him and as the day went on I liked him more and more. I had butterflies I mean.... my stomach was going crazy like a middle schooler. What is wrong with me. I don't even know the boy. I have a wall around my heart, a wall that would let me "like" a guy but never fall for him. A wall that even in the face of rejection I was okay, it wouldn't hurt. But all of a sudden I relized this wall, this structure I have built after having my heart shattered and than stomped on and crushed, a boy has penetrated it. In one day..... I acually have butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. I mean the stupid stuff plays through my head..... I have always promised myself not to let myself out of control over a boy and here I am doing it. I get excited when I get a IM from him.... what's up with that? I get all giddy and non functional, I can't even think straight. I don't know what to say...... I have dated, and told guys flat out I like them...... and I've been rejected and turned down and it didn't hurt. now I'm scared.....

I can't like him, I have to make myself NOT like him at all. I mean I can't handel being hurt. I can't bare the pain of having my heart shattered again. It's not even re-assembled yet!! I know there is no way he likes me. I mean why would he? He's great..... I'm the farthest from great. I need to get myself where I can't be hurt. I'm adding barewire around my wall. and another wall if that's what it takes.

Even if for some miracle he did acually like me. I don't know if I want a relationship, I mean I want to get married and have a family one day.... but I don't want to risk my heart. I mean I like him...... but am I ready to date again? I thought I was until now. I don't want to break my already broken heart some more. I mean the chances of him liking me are slim to none anyways. And given that small percentage... the chances he's "the one" and won't hurt me is basically impossible. Is there even someone out there for me? Prob not. I mean I'm going to get hurt again. So why bother.... why risk my heart and feelings for a boy that I just met, for a boy that seems to be great, for a boy that will just break my heart if he even liked me, for a boy that doesn't like me, why should I just waste my time, feelings, thoughts on a boy. Just a boy......

Why do I like him, I mean I got butterflies like crazy just cuz he touched my hand...... I mean COME ON..... im so lamn. I was floating on a cloud... his eyes kill me, we can hold a conversation acually LOOKING into eachothers eyes and it's comfortable.... I can't do that with anyone just about. I mean he likes the same things I do... he wants the same things out of a relationship... and he's a Christian, I mean...... UH he is so sweet and nice. I hate it! I just need to run.... run run run FLEE from pain, from feelings like these. I need to not like him..... make myself not like him. This is so hard.... so confusing.... err I need mental help!!!!

On top of this interesting feelings and ect. I am stressing ove school WHAT WAS I THINKING.
Taking 3 bio's, Cell, Botany, Anatomy, and than West civ with Martin..... wow I am committing suicide just by this course load. I need help. I need guidence. I need to schedual my time...... forget about boys... forget about life and buckle down on school. but as I try my mind wanders..... wanders to boys. ERR. I just need to let go... let go of my heart, my feelings and emotions. I need to just learn to be emotionless and be a scienctist. Than there's Photography... I want to persue it more. I want to see if a door opens and I can persue a career in photography. I would LOVE that. I hope I get an Internship this summer. I need more trust in God's plan. No matter what happens I won't die right? and even if I do..... I'll be where I want to be. so is dying all that bad? nope. so what am I worried about. I can't help it. Being human sux!! I want everything to just be easier. I want a sign over "the one's" head saying MARRY HIM RIGHT HERE. and I want my career just to be BLACK AND WHITE. something saying DO THIS, serve me this way, and it would just go easy. but I know that we are called to suffer. Suffer for Christ.... Share in His suffering, it is my joy to suffer. but I still suffer....... duh. But I know my father loves me. He won't give me anything I can't handel. Nothing happens to me without His permission. So I need to let go..... "Jesus take the wheel...." yeah I know. I know this all but I just have to do it.

Some times predestination in a very "micromanged" way would be easier. where things just happen without you having to make choices and decisions. but than how does that glorify our Lord. it doesn't. Uh so complicated so mind boggling.... I need help. Lord help me. give me guidence.

Well I think I'll stop rambling now and try and sleep.... but I doubt it.
Night
Melissa