Today was good.
I talked to Liz and she helped me alot. I've been struggling with forgiving myself... and she helped me understand that God does forgive even this. She helped me realize I didn't commit blasphmey, because it is where God reveals Himself, His spirt to you and you harden your heart against it, and you don't change. If I had commited that sin, than I couldn't feel the holy spirit, I couldn't love God, I wouldn't feel guilty. This is just a way that satan attacks me. God wouldn't of persued me if He couldn't forgive me. I am His child and no one and nothing can snatch me away.
Than I've been dealing with trust. trusting people. Im trying to trust Josh.... it's hard. I know I need to trust.
I have this instinct to run
run from emotions: when im upset or hurting or anything I don't want to talk about them
run from feelings: when I like a guy I act like it's a "bad" thing and make it go away
run from friends: I don't talk to them, i don't get vunerable relationship
run from family: If in a fight I run
run from problems: any problem I avoid it
run from school: when school is bad I just don't go...
run from doctors: when im "sick" i avoid it
run from God: my whole life.... I try and run from Him
run from life: when things get overwhelming my thoughts are suicide
I am a coward. in everything. I want to not talk to josh or anyone else for that fact about things. and he forces me to in a good way, and I like to and it's usually pretty easy to talk to him....... up to the point of afterward when I freak out. I'm freaked out I told liz things today..... and it's bothering me, even though she helped. I don't know what I'm scared of...... I just want to not talk about it. but at the same time it feels better to talk about everything.
I know running doesn't fix anything, infact it makes it worse....... alot worse. running just post pones the problem and makes more of them. I mean I don't just avoid... i acually RUN. I mean i've run from home..... i've run from help, doctors, friends. Alcohol was a way of running..... but I still run.
I run from feelings, if I get feelings for a guy it scares me. I'm scared of relationships, scared of getting hurt. I convince myself that by running I am avoiding and preventing pain. I convince myself that there is no way the guy will want to be with me. and by doing so I avoid the hurt of getting into a relationship. I am not scared of rejection, but in a way i am. I'm scared of falling for someone, becoming vunerable with them and needing them. but if i can never do that how am i going to get married. life is much sweeter with the friendships that are intimate with girlfriends and eventually a husband. I mean even as christians, girls need other girls to rely on. we have needs no husband can meet with certain things. and that's not to knock guys. but just they can listen but can't fully understand what it's like to have a monthly period, or to give birth or things that women only can relate to.
I have one girlfriend that is there for me...... and I need to rely on her. I know I can trust her... and I am starting to confide in her.
I like josh...... and im scared. I don't #1 ruin our friendship, I think i need him to help me the way he has been #2 I am scared to get rejected. #3 even if he DID like me..... that it will inevitably end in pain.
I like him.... I like how he always encourages me toward God, he helps me grow a stronger relationship with Christ. He always knows what to say... to help me in situations...... and the advice is always helping me spiritually. I mean I find him attractive, but I didn't like him until I got to know him. He helps me become a stronger Christian and I really love that. I like who he encourages me to become. He said something that made alot of sense: the role of a girlfriend/boyfriend is to encourage eachother toward a stronger relationship with Christ. and I feel he could be that person for me. and I want to be that person for him.
But I don't know how he feels. I know we have a friendship and if that is all it ever is I am happy with that. I am leaving it to God... if He matches us to date I know we will date..... but if not it's okay. I'm going to try and leave it to Him... but I still have the feelings and I don't know what to do about them.
anyways it's late......... and I'm going to head to bed.
peace out!
I talked to Liz and she helped me alot. I've been struggling with forgiving myself... and she helped me understand that God does forgive even this. She helped me realize I didn't commit blasphmey, because it is where God reveals Himself, His spirt to you and you harden your heart against it, and you don't change. If I had commited that sin, than I couldn't feel the holy spirit, I couldn't love God, I wouldn't feel guilty. This is just a way that satan attacks me. God wouldn't of persued me if He couldn't forgive me. I am His child and no one and nothing can snatch me away.
Than I've been dealing with trust. trusting people. Im trying to trust Josh.... it's hard. I know I need to trust.
I have this instinct to run
run from emotions: when im upset or hurting or anything I don't want to talk about them
run from feelings: when I like a guy I act like it's a "bad" thing and make it go away
run from friends: I don't talk to them, i don't get vunerable relationship
run from family: If in a fight I run
run from problems: any problem I avoid it
run from school: when school is bad I just don't go...
run from doctors: when im "sick" i avoid it
run from God: my whole life.... I try and run from Him
run from life: when things get overwhelming my thoughts are suicide
I am a coward. in everything. I want to not talk to josh or anyone else for that fact about things. and he forces me to in a good way, and I like to and it's usually pretty easy to talk to him....... up to the point of afterward when I freak out. I'm freaked out I told liz things today..... and it's bothering me, even though she helped. I don't know what I'm scared of...... I just want to not talk about it. but at the same time it feels better to talk about everything.
I know running doesn't fix anything, infact it makes it worse....... alot worse. running just post pones the problem and makes more of them. I mean I don't just avoid... i acually RUN. I mean i've run from home..... i've run from help, doctors, friends. Alcohol was a way of running..... but I still run.
I run from feelings, if I get feelings for a guy it scares me. I'm scared of relationships, scared of getting hurt. I convince myself that by running I am avoiding and preventing pain. I convince myself that there is no way the guy will want to be with me. and by doing so I avoid the hurt of getting into a relationship. I am not scared of rejection, but in a way i am. I'm scared of falling for someone, becoming vunerable with them and needing them. but if i can never do that how am i going to get married. life is much sweeter with the friendships that are intimate with girlfriends and eventually a husband. I mean even as christians, girls need other girls to rely on. we have needs no husband can meet with certain things. and that's not to knock guys. but just they can listen but can't fully understand what it's like to have a monthly period, or to give birth or things that women only can relate to.
I have one girlfriend that is there for me...... and I need to rely on her. I know I can trust her... and I am starting to confide in her.
I like josh...... and im scared. I don't #1 ruin our friendship, I think i need him to help me the way he has been #2 I am scared to get rejected. #3 even if he DID like me..... that it will inevitably end in pain.
I like him.... I like how he always encourages me toward God, he helps me grow a stronger relationship with Christ. He always knows what to say... to help me in situations...... and the advice is always helping me spiritually. I mean I find him attractive, but I didn't like him until I got to know him. He helps me become a stronger Christian and I really love that. I like who he encourages me to become. He said something that made alot of sense: the role of a girlfriend/boyfriend is to encourage eachother toward a stronger relationship with Christ. and I feel he could be that person for me. and I want to be that person for him.
But I don't know how he feels. I know we have a friendship and if that is all it ever is I am happy with that. I am leaving it to God... if He matches us to date I know we will date..... but if not it's okay. I'm going to try and leave it to Him... but I still have the feelings and I don't know what to do about them.
anyways it's late......... and I'm going to head to bed.
peace out!
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