push you pull me

I am pushing him away, and I need him as a friend. I don't know what to do.

I cancelled lunch today and I have lab until 5. so I prob won't get to talk to him today cuz I cancelled lunch and I don't know why besides I am scared to talk. why am I letting go. IDK. ah. I need a friend. I mean I have "friends" but I can't get personal with any of them and as I try to with him it gets scarier and harder and ahhhhh.

I just want him to talk to me...... and he wants to. but I can't. I don't know what I want him to do about it. but i am afraid he's going to get impatient and just give up. which at that point I'm stupid. why can't I talk to people?? why do I make it so hard to talk to anyone. why can't I do what my friends do with me and just open up and talk. I want to talk to him. but i don't want to risk getting hurt. and I guess u can't do that.

why do I run..... i run from everything that is hard/wrong/bad. I don't fight through things. I guess i have the "fight or flight" instinct, and mine's flight for sure.

I just want him to be patient, to not give up and find a way to make me talk. but I'm prob asking too much. I think I am........

I am not talking about him in a relationship aspect. I do NOT want to have any bf right now. I like him, but that really doesn't have anything to do with anything. cuz I just don't care about that. I just want his friendship, and i want someone I can go to. and He is trying to be there for me but I am trying not to let him and i don't know why.

Someone help....... I am struggling and it sucks. someone needs to just slap me.

Im scared about this summer, I don't know where I'm going to be........ no internship, can't do it. No bank teller job..... no bed at home...... and I really don't want to be home THAT LONG just cuz spiritually I don't know if I could handel it. and I cannot for ANYTHING find a church at home. I want to take classes here but I don't know if I can get enough loans to cover my living aspect on campus. IDK. I think I'll get enough to cover academic part........ but more than that IDK...... If I don't get it i don't know where I'll live. I don't even know where I'll work staying here. I'm confused. anyways, God will provide...... He will open a door somewhere.....

AH, he just texted me again, being totally patient as normal. I don't know how he can be patient with me being psyco. AHH
anyways i'll go.
Peace ou