3 am rant

So... Today I met with Dr. G about Cell bio... she was really nice about it... so my fear was not justified. She didn't yell at me, she understood and that was that. She said I do not have to go to class, it won't offend her if I don't. but I can come if I want to. Which I think I will still go. Than I talked to Dr. B about cell and anatomy. Told him I am failing and I don't that is that, and I screwed up and I'm sorry. and He accepted that. and We're going to fix it together. than that somehow turned into a "trusting people" lecture. just that I need to find someone I can confide in with life, spiritually, emotionally. and I have never been able to really really do that. It scares me to trust people. all relationships, friendships and all seem to end inevitably in pain. and that scares me.

anyways we'll get back to that.

The other night, monday. I had a BAD day I broke down and yeah. I was pretty low. I spent most of the day crying and it just was hard. I skipped class..... and J.K. texted me checking on me. and I told him honestly no. so he got up with me that night.... and i was NOT okay at all by that point. I had talked to dr. m through e-mail and he was "conerned" and dr. b was to and dr. G as well. so it was just a bad day. Well he called and ended up taking me out. we talked and i needed it very much. I acually felt releif on talking to him. but he did force me to bring up what was really the root of some things. I mean we talked alot of classes and spiritually what I should do and things like that. than it went into deeper stuff I won't type here....... on the way home. by telling him I had to face it. and I am struggling with forgiveness (see below). same issue as i wrote that on.

well tonight..... after having talked to dr. b and G. i was not "upset" just needed to talk. so I called J.K. and he had practice.... than he called me back and yeah it turned into phone tag. I texted him that if he wasn't busy or sleeping to please call me. He was gonna call me tomorrow but I guess something wouldn't let him sleep, he called me about 1 not being able to sleep... partially because of my text and I was on his heart I guess.
So we talked about what me and dr. b talked about with trust. I hope he got out of it that I have trusted him with alot more than I have ever trusted anyone and that I'm scared. I basically told him that I'm scared about it. So I am hoping that I don't run from him as a friend. I need him but i'm scared at the same time. I hope he doesn't hurt me.....
talking to him made me realize tonight that my trust issues... is at a root of trusting Christ. at least it should be. I need to trust that through Him i need to put myself out there. I need to trust other Christians and even though I will get hurt, the Loyalty is Christ will never hurt me so I am safe in Him. But to truely trust Him, I also have to trust other Christians because He is in them also. So that helped.

But there was alot to our conversation.... I got vunerable.... I don't really like that I did... but in a way I do like that I did.

But as J.K. said... it won't happen overnight. I just have to keep trusting Christ to take it and bring me through it and it will happen. same with forgiveness it won't happen over night... forgiving myself...... but it starts with a committment to give it to Him and let Him change it.

So that is where I am at. I am giving this stuff to Christ. I am giving my relationship with J.K. *friendship sense* to Christ. and Let Him do with it what He pleases. I know He will not leave me if all else does. I know He will be faithful to me, it is His promise. I may not like what He does, but He will never leave my side, let go of my heart. and I can take comfort in that, I can confide in other Christians because I know Christ is there and taking me through it. But I know over night I can't go tell my secerets to everyone. I shouldn't do that. But... as i know it is a little "risky" just cuz J.K. is a guy, but I don't care. I feel the most comfortable talking to him for whatever reason. I feel I can confide in him, even though it's risky. I've learned building relationships with guys that are friendships sometimes leads feelings to more than friendship on my part. but I am giving it to Christ, and I won't let myself feed on that. But I feel that when I talk to him, these things just come out..... and it scares me but they come out. at least the things can come out. So I give this to Christ. and I will trust that He is loyal. and I will trust that even if friendships end bad, He will be there. and I take comfort in that.

Night