Forgiveness

I struggle with forgiveness.
Now most people would agree they do to. It's hard to forgive someone who has wronged you the way that God forgives us when we wrong Him ALL the time, Daily.

But I acually don't struggle as much with this as I do with forgiving one person in particular
Myself. I have trouble forgiving myself for the things I've done to myself and to others. My parents, sister, family, friends, brothers and sisters. I just seem to dwell on the things I have done wrong, even before I was a Christian.

Recently there have been a few things in particular, that have felt like even the Lord can't forgive this...... but I am wrong. He can and DOES forgive them, ALL of my sins and wrongs, past present and future. Now I know that....... and I've "known" that. but a few weeks ago I came to something that I was like No..... not even the Lord can forgive this. and This thing has eaten away at me for weeks. Finally I have broken down. I spent most of the day in tears...... I spent the other time in the shower.
I ended up talking to a friend, who picked me up and got me OUT of my dorm room, which I don't even think he knew how bad I needed out. but talking to him helped me alot........ I needed to talk and I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I acually had ending my own life cross my mind a few times. That scares me. I haven't seriously thought those thoughts in about 2 1/2; 3 years.

Now back to forgiveness. For the first time in weeks since this I am able to read God's word and not feel pain. I sit here and I read.

Luke 5:20 "Friend, your sins are forgiven."
Luke 6:37 " Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven."
Now in context the first is to a paralytic who Jesus heals. but His teaching is also to the Pharisees and to us, we are forgiven through our faith.
The second, talking about judging one another. which we are all guilty of at points. I know I am
Well....... I took it also into the context of I not only have to forgive my enemy and my friends and love them to hold the Lords command, To be forgiven myself. I have to forgive myself before God will forgive me. I cannot judge myself, I cannot condemn myself, and I must forgive myself. in doing so.... I will saved. because doing these things to others and myself the Lord forgives me. and I will be welcome home into His arms.

I truely have to give it to the Lord. Let Him take it all..... He already paid for it I just have to hand it to Him.

So. For the first time in weeks I will sleep at peace. For the first time in weeks I can spend time in prayer with the Lord, Oh I've missed my time. and For the first time in weeks I am reading God's word and it doesn't hurt.

Why does it take getting to this point, even after accepting Christ as my Savior, to really get what I know? I mean the Lord has brought me out of my lowest points in life..... but I guess I still bring myself to that point until I will stop fighting Him.

Lord, I love You and You are my Savior, my Redeemer. Thank You