as I sit here....

So, I am sitting in the Oasis right now... I am thinking about going to Monday Night Bible Study, but I'm tired and If I go I know I'll be there until late. so I think I'm going to pass I'm very tired. Today has been good/bad/weird. Last night I stayed up late with darrena having "girl" talk and than studying..... I took an hour nap from 2am to 3am than I woke up and studied some more...... I had a test at 9am this morning. UHH I really don't think I did good on it either. I mean... I don't know what I'm going to do..... I want to just cry out to someone, and have it fixed. And I have been, I cry out to my Lord. But His will seems to let me worry myself. and Yet in all my worrying and studying I seem to not manage my time well enough. I need to get more done. Yet I am writing this blog... or doing any other thing. I am overwhelmed with classes and studying and all. I just don't seem to know how to handel it anymore. It is very fustrating. I hate school...... I don't want to do it anymore but I know I have to. And I know it's what God wants. So why can't I be pleased with it? I should WANT to study and learn. and It's not that I don't, it just seems impossible. It feels like I can't do it. Why do people beleive I am "so smart" and "I can do anything" why can't I just struggle and it be okay. because I feel like its not OKAY for me to struggle. I mean I'm "supposed" to be the doctor/vet. I mean everyone has high expectations for me. and I don't want them. But I do want them I just want it to be okay that if I DON"T want to be a vet or doctor for that to be OKAY.

I want to do photography, I want to be able to worship and serve my Lord through my photography.... is that SO much to ask? Is it possible? Can I acually do that? It seems like the harder thing to do would be vet school/med school. But, to me, the scarier and harder thing is photography. I am good at it, I know that. But am I good enough... am I acually ABLE to do it?
It's scary. than I wonder why I worry over my earthly dwelling.... things that are worldly... why do I worry about these things. I am a Christian, I should only be focusing on serving my Lord. yet I can't help it. It's a constant internal battle with myself. and eitherway I lose..... but I know the only way to truely win is Christ. But yet I know I have this practicle on thurs. and I know that I prob failed my west civ exam today. and I have another practicle on Monday...... Do the practicles, exams, test, quizes ever end? I just want them to end. This spring/mid term break is coming VERY welcomed. I want to just party it up but I know I can't...

My dad and mom...... they are great. but today they fustrated me. I don't know who to ask for advice...... I need some. I want to just cry..... but I know that is stupid and won't solve anything. I need an adult to ask advice and I don't know who I can ask........ I don't like this. its very fustrating. I have things beyond this on my mind.... I need advice how to help my parents.... and my family in general. and I have questions about following God, yet I can't ask. and I ask him BUT I still am unclear.

Pray for me....... and I know I need it, I feel alone.
Melissa