So I am so torn. I like this boy, I just met him. I spent time with him and as the day went on I liked him more and more. I had butterflies I mean.... my stomach was going crazy like a middle schooler. What is wrong with me. I don't even know the boy. I have a wall around my heart, a wall that would let me "like" a guy but never fall for him. A wall that even in the face of rejection I was okay, it wouldn't hurt. But all of a sudden I relized this wall, this structure I have built after having my heart shattered and than stomped on and crushed, a boy has penetrated it. In one day..... I acually have butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. I mean the stupid stuff plays through my head..... I have always promised myself not to let myself out of control over a boy and here I am doing it. I get excited when I get a IM from him.... what's up with that? I get all giddy and non functional, I can't even think straight. I don't know what to say...... I have dated, and told guys flat out I like them...... and I've been rejected and turned down and it didn't hurt. now I'm scared.....
I can't like him, I have to make myself NOT like him at all. I mean I can't handel being hurt. I can't bare the pain of having my heart shattered again. It's not even re-assembled yet!! I know there is no way he likes me. I mean why would he? He's great..... I'm the farthest from great. I need to get myself where I can't be hurt. I'm adding barewire around my wall. and another wall if that's what it takes.
Even if for some miracle he did acually like me. I don't know if I want a relationship, I mean I want to get married and have a family one day.... but I don't want to risk my heart. I mean I like him...... but am I ready to date again? I thought I was until now. I don't want to break my already broken heart some more. I mean the chances of him liking me are slim to none anyways. And given that small percentage... the chances he's "the one" and won't hurt me is basically impossible. Is there even someone out there for me? Prob not. I mean I'm going to get hurt again. So why bother.... why risk my heart and feelings for a boy that I just met, for a boy that seems to be great, for a boy that will just break my heart if he even liked me, for a boy that doesn't like me, why should I just waste my time, feelings, thoughts on a boy. Just a boy......
Why do I like him, I mean I got butterflies like crazy just cuz he touched my hand...... I mean COME ON..... im so lamn. I was floating on a cloud... his eyes kill me, we can hold a conversation acually LOOKING into eachothers eyes and it's comfortable.... I can't do that with anyone just about. I mean he likes the same things I do... he wants the same things out of a relationship... and he's a Christian, I mean...... UH he is so sweet and nice. I hate it! I just need to run.... run run run FLEE from pain, from feelings like these. I need to not like him..... make myself not like him. This is so hard.... so confusing.... err I need mental help!!!!
On top of this interesting feelings and ect. I am stressing ove school WHAT WAS I THINKING.
Taking 3 bio's, Cell, Botany, Anatomy, and than West civ with Martin..... wow I am committing suicide just by this course load. I need help. I need guidence. I need to schedual my time...... forget about boys... forget about life and buckle down on school. but as I try my mind wanders..... wanders to boys. ERR. I just need to let go... let go of my heart, my feelings and emotions. I need to just learn to be emotionless and be a scienctist. Than there's Photography... I want to persue it more. I want to see if a door opens and I can persue a career in photography. I would LOVE that. I hope I get an Internship this summer. I need more trust in God's plan. No matter what happens I won't die right? and even if I do..... I'll be where I want to be. so is dying all that bad? nope. so what am I worried about. I can't help it. Being human sux!! I want everything to just be easier. I want a sign over "the one's" head saying MARRY HIM RIGHT HERE. and I want my career just to be BLACK AND WHITE. something saying DO THIS, serve me this way, and it would just go easy. but I know that we are called to suffer. Suffer for Christ.... Share in His suffering, it is my joy to suffer. but I still suffer....... duh. But I know my father loves me. He won't give me anything I can't handel. Nothing happens to me without His permission. So I need to let go..... "Jesus take the wheel...." yeah I know. I know this all but I just have to do it.
Some times predestination in a very "micromanged" way would be easier. where things just happen without you having to make choices and decisions. but than how does that glorify our Lord. it doesn't. Uh so complicated so mind boggling.... I need help. Lord help me. give me guidence.
Well I think I'll stop rambling now and try and sleep.... but I doubt it.
Night
Melissa
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