So I had a AMAZING weekend. Friday was great once I turned in my project, talk about a HUGE releif. Than I went and saw my parents and had dinner w/ them and chilled. I came back to campus Saturday morning, and slept all day. :-D than I went to a papmerdchef party thing which i always like those.... makes me wish I could acually cook!!! :-D I can't wait to get married and be able to be a wife. and eventually a mother. I know that seems kinda odd. I hope that whoever I end up marrying is able to support me and children without me HAVING to work that way I can do my photography...... and be a stay at home mom/wife. I want to have dinner ready when my husband gets home and be a soccer mom. I don't know..... just want to. anyways... Sat night was interesting with my suitemate.....
I love her to death...... and I don't mind having to go pick up drunk/high people in the middle of the night. or taking care of them all night I've been there before. As long as she doesn't do it tonight I'll be good to go!!
Sunday was awsome! My Birthday!! :-D
Church was great! As usual. I am glad my birthday was on Sunday! What better way to spend it than worshiping the One who made me you know... so I was happy. My 'family' took me to lunch :-) and that was really nice and I enjoyed it. than I studied some (only bad part of my day lol) and than the coffee house! which was a blast! and than my car didn't want to cooperate... but I just had to crawl IN MY DRESS under the car. but i got the grease stain out! Thank God I would of cried, I love that dress.
Than... I studied.... kinda. Hung out with chealsea. She's going to be my Roomie this summer! :-D Yeay!!!!
I found a place to live!! Praise God!! I can afford it and all. I also found a storage facility i can afford today!! things are clicking. I like when things click! but sure enough....... as things keep clicking....... Satan tries to interupt.
and He has... I am not sure I am going to be able to be at campbell in the Fall.
Because of the bankrupt thing and ect.. govt. controlling money and all, my dad's taxes won't be done until aug or possibly sept. if he can't find a way to get them done by time school starts..... i won't be able to be here at campbell. and I can't really take other college classes by time I figure that out because 1) won't transfer and ect. 2) I failed some that i have to "retake" and yeah.
so i may have to take a year off of school.
But good news. either way i am taking 1st summer session class. A and P and maybe not 2nd, but I'll prob stick around cuz I'll find a job. and whatnot. if I know i can't be here in the fall I am GOING to be here all summer. find a way to take classes and I'll get through this.
Hey if I have to take a year off of school..... I'll just live with the ponies for a month in october or something. I might be able to just have to take the fall session off and be here in Jan. either way I'll figure it out. I'll do photography for a semester of my life. It will be fun.
anyways..... I have a exam tomorrow... I am not stressing over it. i've studied, I'm going to keep studying and what it is it is...... hopefully I'll get a C in the class. I need it.
anyway.... peace out.
Hopefully I'll find a way to be here in the fall. I figured out how to for the summer right! One step at a time!
I am hopeful in the Lord, He is the only thing that is consistant in my life!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
tears!
And the music will wipe them away
her tears are never heard
no one knows because
silently they fall to the floor
arms around her
a friend to hold her
if they knew
one may love her
But her heart can't trust
too much pain
as she trys
she pushes away
no one sees the hurt
no one feels the pain
her tears will come
longing for someone
Closing her heart
wanting it to open
she smiles up
and He is there
her tears are wiped
His arms around her
Comforter and Friend
Trustee and Lover
her tears are never heard
no one knows because
silently they fall to the floor
arms around her
a friend to hold her
if they knew
one may love her
But her heart can't trust
too much pain
as she trys
she pushes away
no one sees the hurt
no one feels the pain
her tears will come
longing for someone
Closing her heart
wanting it to open
she smiles up
and He is there
her tears are wiped
His arms around her
Comforter and Friend
Trustee and Lover
worthless
Help!!!
I called Josh today and when he answered he was watching a movie w/ his friends. which is cool so i told him i'd talk to him later. and he was all "what's wrong" and i mean i wanted to talk, but he wouldn't take Im okay for a answer. I was okay, i was smiling...... i mean how more OKAY can i sound?? *he said i didn't sound ok, i sounded upset* i wasn't upset..... i was fine!
Why can't i call to talk and it not be a emergency...... can i just want to talk..... guess not! Uh now i just don't want to talk to him at all....... hopefully he won't call me tonight, and I know he's going to the beach tomorrow so maybe he won't tomorrow either. I think I need to just delete his number from my phone book. I mean... AH. I'm scared I'm going to annoy him. He sounded annoyed...... like he felt "obligated" to talk to me. and I don't want that. I need to end our friendship maybe.... i don't know. ah. What's wrong with me. I'm getting attatched to him as a friend and I don't think he wants to have a friendship, he just feels obligated to be my friend. IDK what to do. if he feels obligated, than I don't want to be his friend. I mean I don't want to be a annoyance to anyone. I don't want to just be another obligation, job. geez. forget it. if he calls tonight I'm going to be like sorry I called. I don't need to talk. I'll let you get back to you own life! and hang up. but I prob won't cuz as soon as he calls i'll be happy and I don't want to be happy to talk to him. I don't want to need him as a friend. WHY do I need friends. esp when they don't need me.
:'( I'm going to just cry. cry myself to sleep. no one needs me as a friend I just hinder everyone.
I mean Darrena and miranda have moved on and obviously don't need me. Jordan and Stacie are all coupley with holly and nate. and they don't need me. heidi and josh and everyone else that hangs with them only talk to me because of FCA. they don't really want me to hang out with them just when they "run" into me they have to be nice. Al. she's my suitemate and I mean Im just here..... u know. she doesn't need me either. I'm just in the way of people.
I mean if they REALLY liked me they'd invite me to hang out, and they don't. I am just there... just a obligation to talk to..... to sit with..... to whatever........ but they'd rather just avoid me all together.
who can blame them..... i mean I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. I'm ugly, fat, no fun, obligation...... i mean who wants to be around me. no one.
:'(
I'm going to just cry myself to sleep, finish my project tomorrow.
I'm just worthless
I called Josh today and when he answered he was watching a movie w/ his friends. which is cool so i told him i'd talk to him later. and he was all "what's wrong" and i mean i wanted to talk, but he wouldn't take Im okay for a answer. I was okay, i was smiling...... i mean how more OKAY can i sound?? *he said i didn't sound ok, i sounded upset* i wasn't upset..... i was fine!
Why can't i call to talk and it not be a emergency...... can i just want to talk..... guess not! Uh now i just don't want to talk to him at all....... hopefully he won't call me tonight, and I know he's going to the beach tomorrow so maybe he won't tomorrow either. I think I need to just delete his number from my phone book. I mean... AH. I'm scared I'm going to annoy him. He sounded annoyed...... like he felt "obligated" to talk to me. and I don't want that. I need to end our friendship maybe.... i don't know. ah. What's wrong with me. I'm getting attatched to him as a friend and I don't think he wants to have a friendship, he just feels obligated to be my friend. IDK what to do. if he feels obligated, than I don't want to be his friend. I mean I don't want to be a annoyance to anyone. I don't want to just be another obligation, job. geez. forget it. if he calls tonight I'm going to be like sorry I called. I don't need to talk. I'll let you get back to you own life! and hang up. but I prob won't cuz as soon as he calls i'll be happy and I don't want to be happy to talk to him. I don't want to need him as a friend. WHY do I need friends. esp when they don't need me.
:'( I'm going to just cry. cry myself to sleep. no one needs me as a friend I just hinder everyone.
I mean Darrena and miranda have moved on and obviously don't need me. Jordan and Stacie are all coupley with holly and nate. and they don't need me. heidi and josh and everyone else that hangs with them only talk to me because of FCA. they don't really want me to hang out with them just when they "run" into me they have to be nice. Al. she's my suitemate and I mean Im just here..... u know. she doesn't need me either. I'm just in the way of people.
I mean if they REALLY liked me they'd invite me to hang out, and they don't. I am just there... just a obligation to talk to..... to sit with..... to whatever........ but they'd rather just avoid me all together.
who can blame them..... i mean I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. I'm ugly, fat, no fun, obligation...... i mean who wants to be around me. no one.
:'(
I'm going to just cry myself to sleep, finish my project tomorrow.
I'm just worthless
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Talking...... Blah
Today was good.
I talked to Liz and she helped me alot. I've been struggling with forgiving myself... and she helped me understand that God does forgive even this. She helped me realize I didn't commit blasphmey, because it is where God reveals Himself, His spirt to you and you harden your heart against it, and you don't change. If I had commited that sin, than I couldn't feel the holy spirit, I couldn't love God, I wouldn't feel guilty. This is just a way that satan attacks me. God wouldn't of persued me if He couldn't forgive me. I am His child and no one and nothing can snatch me away.
Than I've been dealing with trust. trusting people. Im trying to trust Josh.... it's hard. I know I need to trust.
I have this instinct to run
run from emotions: when im upset or hurting or anything I don't want to talk about them
run from feelings: when I like a guy I act like it's a "bad" thing and make it go away
run from friends: I don't talk to them, i don't get vunerable relationship
run from family: If in a fight I run
run from problems: any problem I avoid it
run from school: when school is bad I just don't go...
run from doctors: when im "sick" i avoid it
run from God: my whole life.... I try and run from Him
run from life: when things get overwhelming my thoughts are suicide
I am a coward. in everything. I want to not talk to josh or anyone else for that fact about things. and he forces me to in a good way, and I like to and it's usually pretty easy to talk to him....... up to the point of afterward when I freak out. I'm freaked out I told liz things today..... and it's bothering me, even though she helped. I don't know what I'm scared of...... I just want to not talk about it. but at the same time it feels better to talk about everything.
I know running doesn't fix anything, infact it makes it worse....... alot worse. running just post pones the problem and makes more of them. I mean I don't just avoid... i acually RUN. I mean i've run from home..... i've run from help, doctors, friends. Alcohol was a way of running..... but I still run.
I run from feelings, if I get feelings for a guy it scares me. I'm scared of relationships, scared of getting hurt. I convince myself that by running I am avoiding and preventing pain. I convince myself that there is no way the guy will want to be with me. and by doing so I avoid the hurt of getting into a relationship. I am not scared of rejection, but in a way i am. I'm scared of falling for someone, becoming vunerable with them and needing them. but if i can never do that how am i going to get married. life is much sweeter with the friendships that are intimate with girlfriends and eventually a husband. I mean even as christians, girls need other girls to rely on. we have needs no husband can meet with certain things. and that's not to knock guys. but just they can listen but can't fully understand what it's like to have a monthly period, or to give birth or things that women only can relate to.
I have one girlfriend that is there for me...... and I need to rely on her. I know I can trust her... and I am starting to confide in her.
I like josh...... and im scared. I don't #1 ruin our friendship, I think i need him to help me the way he has been #2 I am scared to get rejected. #3 even if he DID like me..... that it will inevitably end in pain.
I like him.... I like how he always encourages me toward God, he helps me grow a stronger relationship with Christ. He always knows what to say... to help me in situations...... and the advice is always helping me spiritually. I mean I find him attractive, but I didn't like him until I got to know him. He helps me become a stronger Christian and I really love that. I like who he encourages me to become. He said something that made alot of sense: the role of a girlfriend/boyfriend is to encourage eachother toward a stronger relationship with Christ. and I feel he could be that person for me. and I want to be that person for him.
But I don't know how he feels. I know we have a friendship and if that is all it ever is I am happy with that. I am leaving it to God... if He matches us to date I know we will date..... but if not it's okay. I'm going to try and leave it to Him... but I still have the feelings and I don't know what to do about them.
anyways it's late......... and I'm going to head to bed.
peace out!
I talked to Liz and she helped me alot. I've been struggling with forgiving myself... and she helped me understand that God does forgive even this. She helped me realize I didn't commit blasphmey, because it is where God reveals Himself, His spirt to you and you harden your heart against it, and you don't change. If I had commited that sin, than I couldn't feel the holy spirit, I couldn't love God, I wouldn't feel guilty. This is just a way that satan attacks me. God wouldn't of persued me if He couldn't forgive me. I am His child and no one and nothing can snatch me away.
Than I've been dealing with trust. trusting people. Im trying to trust Josh.... it's hard. I know I need to trust.
I have this instinct to run
run from emotions: when im upset or hurting or anything I don't want to talk about them
run from feelings: when I like a guy I act like it's a "bad" thing and make it go away
run from friends: I don't talk to them, i don't get vunerable relationship
run from family: If in a fight I run
run from problems: any problem I avoid it
run from school: when school is bad I just don't go...
run from doctors: when im "sick" i avoid it
run from God: my whole life.... I try and run from Him
run from life: when things get overwhelming my thoughts are suicide
I am a coward. in everything. I want to not talk to josh or anyone else for that fact about things. and he forces me to in a good way, and I like to and it's usually pretty easy to talk to him....... up to the point of afterward when I freak out. I'm freaked out I told liz things today..... and it's bothering me, even though she helped. I don't know what I'm scared of...... I just want to not talk about it. but at the same time it feels better to talk about everything.
I know running doesn't fix anything, infact it makes it worse....... alot worse. running just post pones the problem and makes more of them. I mean I don't just avoid... i acually RUN. I mean i've run from home..... i've run from help, doctors, friends. Alcohol was a way of running..... but I still run.
I run from feelings, if I get feelings for a guy it scares me. I'm scared of relationships, scared of getting hurt. I convince myself that by running I am avoiding and preventing pain. I convince myself that there is no way the guy will want to be with me. and by doing so I avoid the hurt of getting into a relationship. I am not scared of rejection, but in a way i am. I'm scared of falling for someone, becoming vunerable with them and needing them. but if i can never do that how am i going to get married. life is much sweeter with the friendships that are intimate with girlfriends and eventually a husband. I mean even as christians, girls need other girls to rely on. we have needs no husband can meet with certain things. and that's not to knock guys. but just they can listen but can't fully understand what it's like to have a monthly period, or to give birth or things that women only can relate to.
I have one girlfriend that is there for me...... and I need to rely on her. I know I can trust her... and I am starting to confide in her.
I like josh...... and im scared. I don't #1 ruin our friendship, I think i need him to help me the way he has been #2 I am scared to get rejected. #3 even if he DID like me..... that it will inevitably end in pain.
I like him.... I like how he always encourages me toward God, he helps me grow a stronger relationship with Christ. He always knows what to say... to help me in situations...... and the advice is always helping me spiritually. I mean I find him attractive, but I didn't like him until I got to know him. He helps me become a stronger Christian and I really love that. I like who he encourages me to become. He said something that made alot of sense: the role of a girlfriend/boyfriend is to encourage eachother toward a stronger relationship with Christ. and I feel he could be that person for me. and I want to be that person for him.
But I don't know how he feels. I know we have a friendship and if that is all it ever is I am happy with that. I am leaving it to God... if He matches us to date I know we will date..... but if not it's okay. I'm going to try and leave it to Him... but I still have the feelings and I don't know what to do about them.
anyways it's late......... and I'm going to head to bed.
peace out!
Monday, April 23, 2007
push you pull me
I am pushing him away, and I need him as a friend. I don't know what to do.
I cancelled lunch today and I have lab until 5. so I prob won't get to talk to him today cuz I cancelled lunch and I don't know why besides I am scared to talk. why am I letting go. IDK. ah. I need a friend. I mean I have "friends" but I can't get personal with any of them and as I try to with him it gets scarier and harder and ahhhhh.
I just want him to talk to me...... and he wants to. but I can't. I don't know what I want him to do about it. but i am afraid he's going to get impatient and just give up. which at that point I'm stupid. why can't I talk to people?? why do I make it so hard to talk to anyone. why can't I do what my friends do with me and just open up and talk. I want to talk to him. but i don't want to risk getting hurt. and I guess u can't do that.
why do I run..... i run from everything that is hard/wrong/bad. I don't fight through things. I guess i have the "fight or flight" instinct, and mine's flight for sure.
I just want him to be patient, to not give up and find a way to make me talk. but I'm prob asking too much. I think I am........
I am not talking about him in a relationship aspect. I do NOT want to have any bf right now. I like him, but that really doesn't have anything to do with anything. cuz I just don't care about that. I just want his friendship, and i want someone I can go to. and He is trying to be there for me but I am trying not to let him and i don't know why.
Someone help....... I am struggling and it sucks. someone needs to just slap me.
Im scared about this summer, I don't know where I'm going to be........ no internship, can't do it. No bank teller job..... no bed at home...... and I really don't want to be home THAT LONG just cuz spiritually I don't know if I could handel it. and I cannot for ANYTHING find a church at home. I want to take classes here but I don't know if I can get enough loans to cover my living aspect on campus. IDK. I think I'll get enough to cover academic part........ but more than that IDK...... If I don't get it i don't know where I'll live. I don't even know where I'll work staying here. I'm confused. anyways, God will provide...... He will open a door somewhere.....
AH, he just texted me again, being totally patient as normal. I don't know how he can be patient with me being psyco. AHH
anyways i'll go.
Peace ou
I cancelled lunch today and I have lab until 5. so I prob won't get to talk to him today cuz I cancelled lunch and I don't know why besides I am scared to talk. why am I letting go. IDK. ah. I need a friend. I mean I have "friends" but I can't get personal with any of them and as I try to with him it gets scarier and harder and ahhhhh.
I just want him to talk to me...... and he wants to. but I can't. I don't know what I want him to do about it. but i am afraid he's going to get impatient and just give up. which at that point I'm stupid. why can't I talk to people?? why do I make it so hard to talk to anyone. why can't I do what my friends do with me and just open up and talk. I want to talk to him. but i don't want to risk getting hurt. and I guess u can't do that.
why do I run..... i run from everything that is hard/wrong/bad. I don't fight through things. I guess i have the "fight or flight" instinct, and mine's flight for sure.
I just want him to be patient, to not give up and find a way to make me talk. but I'm prob asking too much. I think I am........
I am not talking about him in a relationship aspect. I do NOT want to have any bf right now. I like him, but that really doesn't have anything to do with anything. cuz I just don't care about that. I just want his friendship, and i want someone I can go to. and He is trying to be there for me but I am trying not to let him and i don't know why.
Someone help....... I am struggling and it sucks. someone needs to just slap me.
Im scared about this summer, I don't know where I'm going to be........ no internship, can't do it. No bank teller job..... no bed at home...... and I really don't want to be home THAT LONG just cuz spiritually I don't know if I could handel it. and I cannot for ANYTHING find a church at home. I want to take classes here but I don't know if I can get enough loans to cover my living aspect on campus. IDK. I think I'll get enough to cover academic part........ but more than that IDK...... If I don't get it i don't know where I'll live. I don't even know where I'll work staying here. I'm confused. anyways, God will provide...... He will open a door somewhere.....
AH, he just texted me again, being totally patient as normal. I don't know how he can be patient with me being psyco. AHH
anyways i'll go.
Peace ou
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Torn and alone girl!
I don't know what to do!!!!
So, I am am officially failing without hope cell and anatomy. Ok I've accepted that.
Last week and half I've studied my ass off for Botany exam which was Friday (20).
I went in there thinking I would ACE it...... guess what. I got a 62..... a 62 that's a D, what is WRONG with me. Why can't I get this stuff. I love biology but I am stupid or something. AHHH :'(
So besides that. This semester/year I had alot of friends....... and I've changed "groups" throughout my time at campbell. In fact I've done that through High School and now I'm doing it at college. why can't I keep friends. I mean I don't have fights or anything I just seem to drift away or something. So I mean, I know that the people still love and care about me for the most part...... but I seem to be distant. I mean I know if I call them they will be there for me...... but I don't hang out anymore. I eat dinners alone most of the time. I mean I have friends, jordan, stacie, darrena, miranda, josh, heidi, i mean people say hey to me and talk to me and everything.......... it just seems I don't "hang out" with anyone anymore. I don't "belong" anywhere. I feel very alone. but I know people love me and care about me, I just don't feel like I belong in a single group. and than summer is here soon and I don't even KNOW what is going to happen with that. I'm very very scared.
I feel like I've wasted a whole semester academically....... screwed myself OVER. than I mean i have someplace to live, but I don't really feel like I "belong" at home..... i don't have a room right now or bed and idk. Im just lost
Than my dreams today.. UHH confusing.
I am torn. do I get vunerable with him or not. IDK
I'm scared Im going to get hurt. I mean I can either take his hand and hold on and he can help me or I can say no and let go and drown. IDK. Should i even tell him about the dream. I mean he'll prob find a way to get me to tell him but I don't want to. AH AH AH.
I will see him tomorrow.......
Night. I'll update later
So, I am am officially failing without hope cell and anatomy. Ok I've accepted that.
Last week and half I've studied my ass off for Botany exam which was Friday (20).
I went in there thinking I would ACE it...... guess what. I got a 62..... a 62 that's a D, what is WRONG with me. Why can't I get this stuff. I love biology but I am stupid or something. AHHH :'(
So besides that. This semester/year I had alot of friends....... and I've changed "groups" throughout my time at campbell. In fact I've done that through High School and now I'm doing it at college. why can't I keep friends. I mean I don't have fights or anything I just seem to drift away or something. So I mean, I know that the people still love and care about me for the most part...... but I seem to be distant. I mean I know if I call them they will be there for me...... but I don't hang out anymore. I eat dinners alone most of the time. I mean I have friends, jordan, stacie, darrena, miranda, josh, heidi, i mean people say hey to me and talk to me and everything.......... it just seems I don't "hang out" with anyone anymore. I don't "belong" anywhere. I feel very alone. but I know people love me and care about me, I just don't feel like I belong in a single group. and than summer is here soon and I don't even KNOW what is going to happen with that. I'm very very scared.
I feel like I've wasted a whole semester academically....... screwed myself OVER. than I mean i have someplace to live, but I don't really feel like I "belong" at home..... i don't have a room right now or bed and idk. Im just lost
Than my dreams today.. UHH confusing.
I am torn. do I get vunerable with him or not. IDK
I'm scared Im going to get hurt. I mean I can either take his hand and hold on and he can help me or I can say no and let go and drown. IDK. Should i even tell him about the dream. I mean he'll prob find a way to get me to tell him but I don't want to. AH AH AH.
I will see him tomorrow.......
Night. I'll update later
Thursday, April 19, 2007
3 am rant
So... Today I met with Dr. G about Cell bio... she was really nice about it... so my fear was not justified. She didn't yell at me, she understood and that was that. She said I do not have to go to class, it won't offend her if I don't. but I can come if I want to. Which I think I will still go. Than I talked to Dr. B about cell and anatomy. Told him I am failing and I don't that is that, and I screwed up and I'm sorry. and He accepted that. and We're going to fix it together. than that somehow turned into a "trusting people" lecture. just that I need to find someone I can confide in with life, spiritually, emotionally. and I have never been able to really really do that. It scares me to trust people. all relationships, friendships and all seem to end inevitably in pain. and that scares me.
anyways we'll get back to that.
The other night, monday. I had a BAD day I broke down and yeah. I was pretty low. I spent most of the day crying and it just was hard. I skipped class..... and J.K. texted me checking on me. and I told him honestly no. so he got up with me that night.... and i was NOT okay at all by that point. I had talked to dr. m through e-mail and he was "conerned" and dr. b was to and dr. G as well. so it was just a bad day. Well he called and ended up taking me out. we talked and i needed it very much. I acually felt releif on talking to him. but he did force me to bring up what was really the root of some things. I mean we talked alot of classes and spiritually what I should do and things like that. than it went into deeper stuff I won't type here....... on the way home. by telling him I had to face it. and I am struggling with forgiveness (see below). same issue as i wrote that on.
well tonight..... after having talked to dr. b and G. i was not "upset" just needed to talk. so I called J.K. and he had practice.... than he called me back and yeah it turned into phone tag. I texted him that if he wasn't busy or sleeping to please call me. He was gonna call me tomorrow but I guess something wouldn't let him sleep, he called me about 1 not being able to sleep... partially because of my text and I was on his heart I guess.
So we talked about what me and dr. b talked about with trust. I hope he got out of it that I have trusted him with alot more than I have ever trusted anyone and that I'm scared. I basically told him that I'm scared about it. So I am hoping that I don't run from him as a friend. I need him but i'm scared at the same time. I hope he doesn't hurt me.....
talking to him made me realize tonight that my trust issues... is at a root of trusting Christ. at least it should be. I need to trust that through Him i need to put myself out there. I need to trust other Christians and even though I will get hurt, the Loyalty is Christ will never hurt me so I am safe in Him. But to truely trust Him, I also have to trust other Christians because He is in them also. So that helped.
But there was alot to our conversation.... I got vunerable.... I don't really like that I did... but in a way I do like that I did.
But as J.K. said... it won't happen overnight. I just have to keep trusting Christ to take it and bring me through it and it will happen. same with forgiveness it won't happen over night... forgiving myself...... but it starts with a committment to give it to Him and let Him change it.
So that is where I am at. I am giving this stuff to Christ. I am giving my relationship with J.K. *friendship sense* to Christ. and Let Him do with it what He pleases. I know He will not leave me if all else does. I know He will be faithful to me, it is His promise. I may not like what He does, but He will never leave my side, let go of my heart. and I can take comfort in that, I can confide in other Christians because I know Christ is there and taking me through it. But I know over night I can't go tell my secerets to everyone. I shouldn't do that. But... as i know it is a little "risky" just cuz J.K. is a guy, but I don't care. I feel the most comfortable talking to him for whatever reason. I feel I can confide in him, even though it's risky. I've learned building relationships with guys that are friendships sometimes leads feelings to more than friendship on my part. but I am giving it to Christ, and I won't let myself feed on that. But I feel that when I talk to him, these things just come out..... and it scares me but they come out. at least the things can come out. So I give this to Christ. and I will trust that He is loyal. and I will trust that even if friendships end bad, He will be there. and I take comfort in that.
Night
anyways we'll get back to that.
The other night, monday. I had a BAD day I broke down and yeah. I was pretty low. I spent most of the day crying and it just was hard. I skipped class..... and J.K. texted me checking on me. and I told him honestly no. so he got up with me that night.... and i was NOT okay at all by that point. I had talked to dr. m through e-mail and he was "conerned" and dr. b was to and dr. G as well. so it was just a bad day. Well he called and ended up taking me out. we talked and i needed it very much. I acually felt releif on talking to him. but he did force me to bring up what was really the root of some things. I mean we talked alot of classes and spiritually what I should do and things like that. than it went into deeper stuff I won't type here....... on the way home. by telling him I had to face it. and I am struggling with forgiveness (see below). same issue as i wrote that on.
well tonight..... after having talked to dr. b and G. i was not "upset" just needed to talk. so I called J.K. and he had practice.... than he called me back and yeah it turned into phone tag. I texted him that if he wasn't busy or sleeping to please call me. He was gonna call me tomorrow but I guess something wouldn't let him sleep, he called me about 1 not being able to sleep... partially because of my text and I was on his heart I guess.
So we talked about what me and dr. b talked about with trust. I hope he got out of it that I have trusted him with alot more than I have ever trusted anyone and that I'm scared. I basically told him that I'm scared about it. So I am hoping that I don't run from him as a friend. I need him but i'm scared at the same time. I hope he doesn't hurt me.....
talking to him made me realize tonight that my trust issues... is at a root of trusting Christ. at least it should be. I need to trust that through Him i need to put myself out there. I need to trust other Christians and even though I will get hurt, the Loyalty is Christ will never hurt me so I am safe in Him. But to truely trust Him, I also have to trust other Christians because He is in them also. So that helped.
But there was alot to our conversation.... I got vunerable.... I don't really like that I did... but in a way I do like that I did.
But as J.K. said... it won't happen overnight. I just have to keep trusting Christ to take it and bring me through it and it will happen. same with forgiveness it won't happen over night... forgiving myself...... but it starts with a committment to give it to Him and let Him change it.
So that is where I am at. I am giving this stuff to Christ. I am giving my relationship with J.K. *friendship sense* to Christ. and Let Him do with it what He pleases. I know He will not leave me if all else does. I know He will be faithful to me, it is His promise. I may not like what He does, but He will never leave my side, let go of my heart. and I can take comfort in that, I can confide in other Christians because I know Christ is there and taking me through it. But I know over night I can't go tell my secerets to everyone. I shouldn't do that. But... as i know it is a little "risky" just cuz J.K. is a guy, but I don't care. I feel the most comfortable talking to him for whatever reason. I feel I can confide in him, even though it's risky. I've learned building relationships with guys that are friendships sometimes leads feelings to more than friendship on my part. but I am giving it to Christ, and I won't let myself feed on that. But I feel that when I talk to him, these things just come out..... and it scares me but they come out. at least the things can come out. So I give this to Christ. and I will trust that He is loyal. and I will trust that even if friendships end bad, He will be there. and I take comfort in that.
Night
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Forgiveness
I struggle with forgiveness.
Now most people would agree they do to. It's hard to forgive someone who has wronged you the way that God forgives us when we wrong Him ALL the time, Daily.
But I acually don't struggle as much with this as I do with forgiving one person in particular
Myself. I have trouble forgiving myself for the things I've done to myself and to others. My parents, sister, family, friends, brothers and sisters. I just seem to dwell on the things I have done wrong, even before I was a Christian.
Recently there have been a few things in particular, that have felt like even the Lord can't forgive this...... but I am wrong. He can and DOES forgive them, ALL of my sins and wrongs, past present and future. Now I know that....... and I've "known" that. but a few weeks ago I came to something that I was like No..... not even the Lord can forgive this. and This thing has eaten away at me for weeks. Finally I have broken down. I spent most of the day in tears...... I spent the other time in the shower.
I ended up talking to a friend, who picked me up and got me OUT of my dorm room, which I don't even think he knew how bad I needed out. but talking to him helped me alot........ I needed to talk and I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I acually had ending my own life cross my mind a few times. That scares me. I haven't seriously thought those thoughts in about 2 1/2; 3 years.
Now back to forgiveness. For the first time in weeks since this I am able to read God's word and not feel pain. I sit here and I read.
Luke 5:20 "Friend, your sins are forgiven."
Luke 6:37 " Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven."
Now in context the first is to a paralytic who Jesus heals. but His teaching is also to the Pharisees and to us, we are forgiven through our faith.
The second, talking about judging one another. which we are all guilty of at points. I know I am
Well....... I took it also into the context of I not only have to forgive my enemy and my friends and love them to hold the Lords command, To be forgiven myself. I have to forgive myself before God will forgive me. I cannot judge myself, I cannot condemn myself, and I must forgive myself. in doing so.... I will saved. because doing these things to others and myself the Lord forgives me. and I will be welcome home into His arms.
I truely have to give it to the Lord. Let Him take it all..... He already paid for it I just have to hand it to Him.
So. For the first time in weeks I will sleep at peace. For the first time in weeks I can spend time in prayer with the Lord, Oh I've missed my time. and For the first time in weeks I am reading God's word and it doesn't hurt.
Why does it take getting to this point, even after accepting Christ as my Savior, to really get what I know? I mean the Lord has brought me out of my lowest points in life..... but I guess I still bring myself to that point until I will stop fighting Him.
Lord, I love You and You are my Savior, my Redeemer. Thank You
Now most people would agree they do to. It's hard to forgive someone who has wronged you the way that God forgives us when we wrong Him ALL the time, Daily.
But I acually don't struggle as much with this as I do with forgiving one person in particular
Myself. I have trouble forgiving myself for the things I've done to myself and to others. My parents, sister, family, friends, brothers and sisters. I just seem to dwell on the things I have done wrong, even before I was a Christian.
Recently there have been a few things in particular, that have felt like even the Lord can't forgive this...... but I am wrong. He can and DOES forgive them, ALL of my sins and wrongs, past present and future. Now I know that....... and I've "known" that. but a few weeks ago I came to something that I was like No..... not even the Lord can forgive this. and This thing has eaten away at me for weeks. Finally I have broken down. I spent most of the day in tears...... I spent the other time in the shower.
I ended up talking to a friend, who picked me up and got me OUT of my dorm room, which I don't even think he knew how bad I needed out. but talking to him helped me alot........ I needed to talk and I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I acually had ending my own life cross my mind a few times. That scares me. I haven't seriously thought those thoughts in about 2 1/2; 3 years.
Now back to forgiveness. For the first time in weeks since this I am able to read God's word and not feel pain. I sit here and I read.
Luke 5:20 "Friend, your sins are forgiven."
Luke 6:37 " Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven."
Now in context the first is to a paralytic who Jesus heals. but His teaching is also to the Pharisees and to us, we are forgiven through our faith.
The second, talking about judging one another. which we are all guilty of at points. I know I am
Well....... I took it also into the context of I not only have to forgive my enemy and my friends and love them to hold the Lords command, To be forgiven myself. I have to forgive myself before God will forgive me. I cannot judge myself, I cannot condemn myself, and I must forgive myself. in doing so.... I will saved. because doing these things to others and myself the Lord forgives me. and I will be welcome home into His arms.
I truely have to give it to the Lord. Let Him take it all..... He already paid for it I just have to hand it to Him.
So. For the first time in weeks I will sleep at peace. For the first time in weeks I can spend time in prayer with the Lord, Oh I've missed my time. and For the first time in weeks I am reading God's word and it doesn't hurt.
Why does it take getting to this point, even after accepting Christ as my Savior, to really get what I know? I mean the Lord has brought me out of my lowest points in life..... but I guess I still bring myself to that point until I will stop fighting Him.
Lord, I love You and You are my Savior, my Redeemer. Thank You
Friday, April 13, 2007
Friday 13
I'm bored.....
Nothing much is new, easter went well and I'm glad to be back at campbell.
There is only 16 days until exams!! That's crazy
I'm sad...... i'm going to miss campbell...... It feels like there's no way its been a whole academic year. WOW My birthday is the 29th too! I'll be 19... i'm excited.
This summer is going to be fun, I'll be in VT. Camping, hiking. doing environmental biology.
This will be a great internship I think. I'm super excited. I'm going to lose alot of weight prob too....... hiking 5 miles sometimes more a day...... wow. It will be tough but I know I can do it. I'm going to start getting in shape now...... so i don't die.
I have to find a way to afford to buy the gear I need...... but I know I'll find a way. This will be a good minstery oppurtunity I think. I will be with a group of people for 2 months. June 18 until August 8th Yeay!!!!! Wow I'm excited
So I thougth I had a botany exam today..... but it is acually NEXT friday. I crammed for it too. I'm happy! I think I'll do well on it cuz I get to study all weekend.
Yeay!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways'
I have a new crush.... but I'm not going to worry about it. I hope he likes me, but I'll let it play it'self out
Nothing much is new, easter went well and I'm glad to be back at campbell.
There is only 16 days until exams!! That's crazy
I'm sad...... i'm going to miss campbell...... It feels like there's no way its been a whole academic year. WOW My birthday is the 29th too! I'll be 19... i'm excited.
This summer is going to be fun, I'll be in VT. Camping, hiking. doing environmental biology.
This will be a great internship I think. I'm super excited. I'm going to lose alot of weight prob too....... hiking 5 miles sometimes more a day...... wow. It will be tough but I know I can do it. I'm going to start getting in shape now...... so i don't die.
I have to find a way to afford to buy the gear I need...... but I know I'll find a way. This will be a good minstery oppurtunity I think. I will be with a group of people for 2 months. June 18 until August 8th Yeay!!!!! Wow I'm excited
So I thougth I had a botany exam today..... but it is acually NEXT friday. I crammed for it too. I'm happy! I think I'll do well on it cuz I get to study all weekend.
Yeay!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways'
I have a new crush.... but I'm not going to worry about it. I hope he likes me, but I'll let it play it'self out
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
:'( I Screwed Up
AHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHH
I am very fustrated with myself. ERRERRRERRR
I screwed up big big time. I have really screwed myself over this time.
there is now officially NO WAY I am going to be ABLE to pass A and P which means
I am failing FOR SURE 2 out of 3 classes....... HOW stupid can I get.
I don't even Know if campbell will let me stay here next year. I hope so.
AH There is nothing I can do to fix this....... nothing........ i mean it's too late. my fate is determined. I don't know what to do. :'( AH :'(
I need out........ i want to go for a long long long drive but I can't afford the gas.
AH
AHHHHHHHHHHH
I am very fustrated with myself. ERRERRRERRR
I screwed up big big time. I have really screwed myself over this time.
there is now officially NO WAY I am going to be ABLE to pass A and P which means
I am failing FOR SURE 2 out of 3 classes....... HOW stupid can I get.
I don't even Know if campbell will let me stay here next year. I hope so.
AH There is nothing I can do to fix this....... nothing........ i mean it's too late. my fate is determined. I don't know what to do. :'( AH :'(
I need out........ i want to go for a long long long drive but I can't afford the gas.
AH
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
