A prisoner within my own mind

I feel trapped, the depression setting in
I long for freedom, but bars contain me
Why can’t I be free, control of my emotions?

I see the light, but the walls surround me
They laugh at me, mocking me
The thoughts, un-escapable

Darkness surrounds my mind
Impurity and lies
Can’t I just die?

Why can’t I flee from these?
I want to run, break down these walls
But I am trapped within my mind

I can’t escape myself, my thoughts
To separate would mean ending all

In circles I turn
Someone reach out for me
But no one can

I feel hopeless
Never to escape this pain
Once more I end up here

I know death is not the answer
But it seems at times the only one

No! I will not, not again
I will not allow you here; this is my mind!

You must leave; I must break free
You do not own me
My lord owns me!

He will break me free
I have to walk with him
He owns all

Have mercy on me
My mind; tainted and unclean
I cannot wash it

But you don’t require purity
You make all wholesome

Free me of pain
Break these walls and chains
My father, help me!

You are all; I am not
I am death without you

My only escape seems to expire
But that is my only escape

With you, I have many
Freedom

But freedom in you
Not independence
I loathe my own

Without you, I am trapped
As good as dead

Hold me lord
Carry me through

I despise myself
I build up walls

Break my walls
Knock them down
Build endless love
A Desire for you

I need your love
Nothing else at all

As I lay, watch me close
Search me; see me
Clean it all

Wash me with your blood
Rid me of myself
Godliness, holiness
Fill me with you

Love me lord
Father-God
I adore you

A amazing Weekend, Take the subset!

I. So this weekend was great! I mean OBX with the parental units was good... except being sick.
Camping with FCA.... A M A Z I N G!!!!! I can't believe I almost left... I mean being in a bad mood and all... and than not feeling good. I'm glad I was talked into staying.

The stars were so bright..... Laying down on the ground was so fun. Every time I look at the stars it blows my mind. Our Maker..... WOW He dreamed up all of them, every single one. And the shooting stars. WOW. yeah... There's no other words. I enjoyed laying there with josh for the few minutes. Than everyone else joined. Which was great too!!!

The lighting of the cross. (we all lite our candles as a sign of our light for Christ) and than laid them on the cross.... It looks so amazing. It was SO cold.. So So cold. Plus feeling sick.. that didn't help. I ended up asking Josh to hold me for a little while. I would of asked someone else, but I'm most comfortable with him. When I'm sick I'm such a baby, I love to be held. Shoot.... I love cuddling even when I'm not sick. It just felt so good to be held. I don't know why.... I wish It didn't.

Anyways.... So I've been thinking about stuff:
The story Josh read about Christ being a guest in our house..... (way most Christians are) but to totally surrender everything. We have to sign over the deed to our house.... our body, mind, soul, life, heart. EVERYTHING. He is the owner of our house. I wrote on my piece of paper.... to give up relationships.... with men, with friends, with family. But I wrote "Deed of my life: mind body soul life" and I signed it over to Christ. Than watched it go up into flames.... to Him.... I am going to think of myself as a guest to this body. I am Christ's guest to His House, I am His servant. I will not allow anything to enter my body, dress my body, do things with my body, to my body. that is not something I would have done to Christ's body. Because this body is His... not mine, I am a guest.... a servant in His house. I am sure I will fail..... but I know that with Christ all things are possible. (I am sure I will muddy the house.... but He can clean all.. repaint and fix up) And I cannot clean my house the way He can. He can clean out my closets. I have more than one "closet" I have multiple ones. Allowing alcohol and sex and food and certain clothes, and certain things done to/in my house is wrong. I would not do these things in Christ's home.... therefore I will not.

I also had this "image" in my mind.
Our lives... the will of God is a path, with Ups and Downs.... Hills and steps and rocks. Like a hiking trail. If we follow God's path..... it's not too difficult, and it's the most beauty we can ever imagine. All along the way God is our hiking guide. He says This way.. look at this beauty.. I do this for you... this is yours. Follow me... this way.... and guides us.
But... than because We are sinners, and we are human. Satan has "forks" in the trail. These paths appear to have beautiful flowers and tall tall trees. Satan stands at the fork and says.... Look at this path.. this one is more adventurous and beautiful than your boring straight path. Why don't you come down this path...... it's much better. And because everything he says is a LIE... he himself is a lie, it is not true. We believe anyway and go... OOOOhh pretty flower and we stray the wrong way. But shortly down this "fork" the path gets rough and difficult, and we do not have the strength. The flowers on the path all wilt in death, and the beauty is non-existent. But we cannot see a way off this path... we cannot turn around....... and we cannot get off.

While we are straying down the path..... God has His bush hawk slicing a subset path as quickly as He can. This subset leads from God's original path to the "fork" we took. Now because God has to cut the path so fast and quick... it is rough and hard, thorns and rocks and uncut branches. But it is doable with God's strength. As we're on this "fork" God comes the freshly cut path and says I'm HERE this WAY follow me, I cut this path for us.... I will help you through it... come this way. At that point we either Choose to follow God and struggle with guilt (thorns) pain (rocks) anguish (branches). But we make it through this path onto God's will. The Main Path. Once we are back on God's will we find happiness and peace and love and beauty. We walk back in His presence, His grace. And we are Happy again.... The path is Beautiful and warm and safe.
If instead of following God back to God's will path... and we keep struggling, crawling down satan's lie and deceitful path, than God runs ahead and cuts another path.... and again we have this choice... as He calls out to us.. "this way, follow me, I will help you!"
Because we are human..... we usually get to the point, on Satan's lie path, that we are not able to crawl any farther..... we have no strength. We are broken and hurt and bleeding out. At this point God cuts another path for us. He walks to us and carries us back through his new path... back to Him... and His Will for us.
As we walk back in God's will..... The beauty and love is amazing..... and We cannot see ahead.... the beauty just gets greater and greater.... There is water and food and life for us to supply. But than... satan is standing at another fork off God's Will Path. He says.... look this path has more fruit for you.... this path is more fun... Come this way....... This Path is better. And because we're sinners and human again we stray.

But as always Satan is lying and God's faithfulness is to cut another subset path to retrieve us. He will ALWAYS make subset paths.... He will always Seek after us. We have to choose to follow the path.
Our curiousity gets the best of us...."grass is always greener". Ultimately we either find and stay on God's path..... even with MANY MANY subsets cut. Or... we die..... and reject God's offer to save us... carry us back to His will..... and we die.... bleeding out. weak. hurt. and depressed on Satan's deceit path. We have a choice.... We always have a choice..... God's beautiful Path.... even when we can't see what's around the bend.... so we THINK satan's lie path is better. and We are fooled into taking the "fork" but God always offers a subset path. So look for the subset Path.... listen for God calling "I'm here.... follow me back.. I will Help you!!!!" He is faithful and loving and He will ALWAYS make a path back to His will.

His subset paths are harder.... tougher... but they are doable.... we can get through them with the Lord's help. Yes.... if we stayed on God's Will things would be easier. Sure there would be difficult hills.... but we wouldn't have to climb mountains. BUT we follow the fork.... we have to take the subset over the mountain. But God will be faithful... and His subsets..... they are possible. "Philippians 4:13"
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Even climbing these subset mountains.....

This is what causes a large portion of our suffering, yes there is suffering on God's Will Path..... but not the amount we cause by taking the fork... the fork path leads to pain suffering and death. Satan's lie path is to seperate us from God... to make us die and hurt and bleed on his path. But God's faithfulness and Grace allow these subsets.

Jesus is the reason subsets are allowed. He is the way.... He is the bush hawk that cuts these subsets. He is what allows us to be forgiven and always come back to God. Jesus makes the way for us human sinners to come back to God's will.... to be BACK in God's presence. Look to Jesus.... He is the Subset on your path.

God is Faithful... God is Loving... God sent His only Son to allow for subsets. To Bring you back and to KEEP you in His arms. This all powerful, all loving, merciful, and forgiving God is seeking you... If you are on your God's Will Path... or you are broken down crawling along Satan's Lying Deceit Path.... There is a subset for you now and later, and there will always be subsets. Choose them, take them. They are Jesus Christ. God loves you so much He created a constant faithful way to bring you back to Him. God came to earth THROUGH His ONLY Son, and He died for you. Choose Jesus... The beauty, happiness, and love is amazing on God's Will Path. Beyond whatever satan's lie path has. Because nothing but death, hurt, pain exist on this path.

If you think that satan's path will make you happy. It won't.... it's can't. It will become hard and rough and you will fall and crawl and cry and bleed. but God will be calling you
"This way... I cut a path for us... I will carry you... come with me! I love you!"

Follow God's will.... and if you stray... take the subset, It is created out of love and grace.

Melissa....

Sept 16 '07 Have Mercy

Why?

Why must I cry like this, Why must I feel so much agony.
I long for Your love, but I turn away for my earthly dwelling.
In Your arms I find grace, I find peace.

To have had You than turn away… what a hypocrite I am.
To be perused so tangibly by my Lord, but I leave.
Why must I do what I hate, Why must I ignore my Love.

To come before You renders so much guilt; so much anguish.
I cannot come; I cannot see your face.
My pain is unbearable, impossible to endure.
I need You; I need Your grace.

Your Word tells me of Forgiveness, but I cannot accept.
I lay in my disgrace, inflicting my own torment.
Graciously you bestow upon me, yet I do not open.

To acquire this gift, for my unforgivable sin;
I cannot grasp your grace.

Pull me up, drag me out; I need Your help.
I inflict my torture; it is deserved.
But Christ, My LORD;
You did not; you were not.

Yet You endured, my pain, my agony.
You are perfect in every way.
Crusified upon the Cross,
Bearing my sin, so I can stand clean.

Why do you love a sinner like me?
I am the lowest of dirt, the worst of all.
You look on me with favor, with mercy and grace.
You smile at my innocence than carry me as I fall.

I want to leave this place, leave my flesh.
Away from this war, into your arms I desire.
But Your glory is first, How long must I wait?
How long must I endure for You?

Eternity I will wait for one moment with You.
Woe to me for my unrest in You.
Bring me to Your forgiveness;
To Your grace and love.
Have mercy upon me my Jeschua.

Leaving

This is prob one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't get to REALLY see many people to say goodbye to and I'm crying...... but its not the normal tears of anger or whatever...... i'm just sad. and that's the only emotion I have.... i'm not used to it.

I won't see everybody for 3 months..... Its like you live in this place.... that's just a building/campus and all of asudden these perfect strangers are your family.

I'm really bad at goodbye's and it's hard.

If I stayed until tomorrow I could see josh, but I really am all packed up and ready to leave now, plus i am checking out. supposed to hours ago. This is sad and hard

:'(
Why is it so hard, it feels like I'm running away all over. How i felt the day i left, as I drove away from my house thinking it would be the last time. When I moved here, I knew i could go home only 2 hours and see my family. This is different and harder because all these people are going all over the place. I won't see some of them EVER again....... and others I won't see for 4 months........ :'(

I'm going to cry my eyes out all the way home.

I love everyone

Yeah I'm def Bi-polar

I'm EXHAUSTED
My day starting last night:
I went for a drive right...... I needed to "think" and clear my head, plus spiritually I was being "taunted". SO somehow I ended up at the church. I parked to just listen to my radio and think for a bit, it was like 1 something. I cut my engin off and was relaxing to music. Well.... stupid me fell asleep. So I woke up at ike 4am.... My battery went dead, from the radio. UH so I was like well.... I can't do anything about this right now. So I just went back asleep.... I mean I figured I'd already slept some... lol. so I wake up again at like 7:30am the sun was BRIGHT and my car turned into a oven (it got to 90 something today). So I woke up and I was like okay, I need to get outta here before someone shows up and it would just be kinda akward me being in my PJ's and sleeping in the church parkinglot. So I called Josh...... he was sleeping so he didn't answer. I called Jordan, He didn't answer but he called me back. He said he looked and was like I'll call her later than he thought about it and was like..... there is no way she just "wants to talk" at 7:30am. so He ended up coming to get me, but had no jumpercables. So we went to walmart and I bought a pair and he bought a pair and he bought other stuff 2. than we went back and jumped my car.

FUN
LOL

Than breakfast at Shouse..... than I met with andrew to disscuss the summer housing situation.

than I moved some stuff to my storage unit. than ate lunch.... than I moved more stuff to my car to put in the storage unit (heavy stuff like fridge, TV and ect) But Al, Kala, Lynn, Holly, Carrie, Courtney were going to the river to swim. So they talked me into it :-D. It was great. After I dropped off my stuff in storage. than got back 5ish.... ate dinner in shouse. I was gonna go babysit right...... at 6:30 (around 6 I left dinner)
I went and put on some clothes (still in my bathinsuite) Get ready to walk out the door, Al's like freaking out, her leg was swollen HUGE..... and she was feeling sick and it swelled up instantly from her laying down. So we, (me kala holly, cassie, and al of course) went to the hospital..... she's okay. on crutches, but she's ok. She hit it on a rock jumping into the water. Well we got back here around 8ish. so Now im exhuasted. and I've had a great day. I have to pack more (UGH, I don't like packing)
and I think Im going to pass out.

I am getting breakfast at 8:30 marsh tomorrow w/ darrena. :-D so it will be good, she FINALLY is making some time for me, even if it is 8 something AM. My away message made her feel bad or something. but eitherway.. I have to job hunt tomorrow after breakfast Than I'm getting lunch or something with caleb :-D than i have to pack more and finish up that...... and than..... CHECKING OUT and heading HOME!!!!! Until the 15 of may than I'll be back in the creek!

I want to see josh at some point but I don't know if I will. I still think I "annoy" him esp after having called him this morning, I feel bad now. but oh well I was desperate. :-D thank God for Jordan!!!
anyways
Peace out

I swear I'm Bi-polar, cuz here I go sad again

:'(
So I feel as if I have no friends
I annoy Josh
Miranda does seem to invite me anywhere or anything and just doesn't ever IM me
Darrena, lets face it she NEVER calls me back no matter what. and she doesn't have time for anyone, and she's totally been ignoring my IMs today....

everyone else is with their "friends" before summer is gone. and I'm alone. know why.... i have none. I mean people talk to me, but no one just invites me out cuz they want to chill..... NO ONE invites me ANYWHERE....... am i annoying? am i ugly? am i mean? I mean why don't people like me.

My pastor can't even answer his phone. i have no one to even talk to. I'd talk to josh but I "annoy" him it seems. and AHHH :'( we're not acually FRIENDS, he's just nice to me prob. I mean if we were friends he'd invite me out and want to talk to me just to talk not because there is something wrong. He'd want to just watch a movie or whatever, but he doesn't. He prob just feels "obligated" to "be my friend" but isn't really my friend, just talks to me if I need to talk. So now I don't want to bother him so i'm going to just sit here and cry.

Im glad schools over I have no friends anyway

Birthday weekend!!!!! now exams

So I had a AMAZING weekend. Friday was great once I turned in my project, talk about a HUGE releif. Than I went and saw my parents and had dinner w/ them and chilled. I came back to campus Saturday morning, and slept all day. :-D than I went to a papmerdchef party thing which i always like those.... makes me wish I could acually cook!!! :-D I can't wait to get married and be able to be a wife. and eventually a mother. I know that seems kinda odd. I hope that whoever I end up marrying is able to support me and children without me HAVING to work that way I can do my photography...... and be a stay at home mom/wife. I want to have dinner ready when my husband gets home and be a soccer mom. I don't know..... just want to. anyways... Sat night was interesting with my suitemate.....

I love her to death...... and I don't mind having to go pick up drunk/high people in the middle of the night. or taking care of them all night I've been there before. As long as she doesn't do it tonight I'll be good to go!!

Sunday was awsome! My Birthday!! :-D
Church was great! As usual. I am glad my birthday was on Sunday! What better way to spend it than worshiping the One who made me you know... so I was happy. My 'family' took me to lunch :-) and that was really nice and I enjoyed it. than I studied some (only bad part of my day lol) and than the coffee house! which was a blast! and than my car didn't want to cooperate... but I just had to crawl IN MY DRESS under the car. but i got the grease stain out! Thank God I would of cried, I love that dress.

Than... I studied.... kinda. Hung out with chealsea. She's going to be my Roomie this summer! :-D Yeay!!!!
I found a place to live!! Praise God!! I can afford it and all. I also found a storage facility i can afford today!! things are clicking. I like when things click! but sure enough....... as things keep clicking....... Satan tries to interupt.
and He has... I am not sure I am going to be able to be at campbell in the Fall.

Because of the bankrupt thing and ect.. govt. controlling money and all, my dad's taxes won't be done until aug or possibly sept. if he can't find a way to get them done by time school starts..... i won't be able to be here at campbell. and I can't really take other college classes by time I figure that out because 1) won't transfer and ect. 2) I failed some that i have to "retake" and yeah.
so i may have to take a year off of school.

But good news. either way i am taking 1st summer session class. A and P and maybe not 2nd, but I'll prob stick around cuz I'll find a job. and whatnot. if I know i can't be here in the fall I am GOING to be here all summer. find a way to take classes and I'll get through this.

Hey if I have to take a year off of school..... I'll just live with the ponies for a month in october or something. I might be able to just have to take the fall session off and be here in Jan. either way I'll figure it out. I'll do photography for a semester of my life. It will be fun.

anyways..... I have a exam tomorrow... I am not stressing over it. i've studied, I'm going to keep studying and what it is it is...... hopefully I'll get a C in the class. I need it.

anyway.... peace out.

Hopefully I'll find a way to be here in the fall. I figured out how to for the summer right! One step at a time!
I am hopeful in the Lord, He is the only thing that is consistant in my life!