Guard my heart.....

So I've heard over and over since I've been saved to "guard your heart". and I never really understood it. I mean I've built this WALL around my heart...... but that's not what it means. I realize after listening to a radio broadcast that I not only need a wall...... I need to keep my fears and past hidden as well. Hidden from boys. My past is something that opens the door for pain. It opens a small portion of my heart to those who I tell. I need to keep some things... which I have. There are parts of my past/ex-fiance that NO ONE knows.... that I haven't told anyone. I don't know if its because it's too personal or if it's just because I'm ashamed of it. BUT I realize that I need to NOT tell..... I mean yeah I can tell that I have an ex-fiance.... but I don't have to explain. My worry is I cannot really share much of my testimony without telling at least that he was a con artist. and That I ran away.... So do I not tell my testimony? Or what? Is this was actually "guarding my heart is". If so It's too late with this new boy...... I've told him about my past. Uh I'm stupid huh? I need to keep my big mouth shut. I found myself today telling my friend Miranda things that I never have told anyone.... I actually had some old memories that I've forgotten about come up. I don't know if I have some how managed to block these memories.

How do I guard my heart? How do I not let a guy know too much about me? Should I just keep everything a secret....? I don't know. I'm confused. I need help!! I'm 18 years old. I've done my "fair share" of dating.... I mean..... but never dating as a Christian. I was always.... I don't know. I mean as bad as it is...... If I liked a guy I would straight up walk up to him tell him and if I was at a party I'd just make-out with him..... if not more. and Sometimes never even knowing his name. My ex-bf kyle..... I just was friends with him a WHILE and we basically "dated" without the commitment before he made it. and I gave away my heart..... and alot more...... and than my ex-fiance Thomas..... I met him at a club... somehow managed to becoming bf and gf....... and next thing I know it was like we had been dating a long time... and I gave more than my heart to him way too soon as well.... than we got engaged and ect........

I just don't know how to date anymore. With my past........ why would any decent Christian guy want a girl with my past. Most of them have a list of what they want..... virgin is usually at the top! I disqualify myself right off the bat. plus It's not like I'm some model.... I don't know. will I ever get married? ever be able to fall in love again? ever meet a man that will love me for me and for all the mistakes I've made and continue to make? Ever a man that will see past my appearance and see my heart? Am I even able to let a man see my heart if I'm guarding it? It I have this wall of protection? I don't know

Help..........

Life.... as of today

SO as of today........ Life is good. God is good. Classes...... well I'm behind. Friends are amazing. I'm feeling more pulled toward my photography.... and all together I am happy. I am at a friends suite tonight helping her. I pray to God that He comforts her...

Classes...... so much to do... I need to stay buckled DOWN and HARD on them you know? it's difficult. Sometimes I wish I was just a college student without any classes...... without the "college" part. lol just lived in the dorms...... had fun..... and yeah. but guess not.... I acually need an education. I do enjoy classes...... just all the studying..... I feel as if my life is going by so fast. I want to so bad just get through this semester...... AND I know I need good grades. I wish this was easier.... but I know it can't be. I want learning through osmosis.... that would be AWSOME. lol

My parents are still doing good. I miss them badley. I want to see my Dad and Mom and Sister. I don't think I'll go home until Feb 9th at this rate. My sister's 20th B-day.

Boys..... oh this boy. Kills me. I don't think me trying to AVOID him is working..... I keep seeing him..... everyday..... I mind...... than I don't :-D I wish I could just get over him and not like him. But I've given up. I'm just going to be friends with him, pretend I don't like him.... and hopefully find something wrong with him to make myself NOT like him you know? Acually I'm just giving up. Let God handel it.... He can control the situation much better than me..... in fact I don't even want control, I mess things up. lol. God knows...... He'll let me get hurt or protect me, or make me fall for him or show me WHY not to like him for something....... right?

I'll just keep praying, about classes, Life path..., boys, future husband/family, Parents/sister..., and friends. I don't know what else to do. Don't you wish you could just control things easier.

I realize that I've done stupid things. I found a note from my HS sophomore year..... from a really cute sweet boy whom I dated for a few short weeks and dumped because "that's just what I did" I remember likeing him........ but it had been a week over my limit *which was 2 weeks* and I had another "target". so I dumped him over Thanksgiving break. Uh I was stupid. Not that he was "the one" just like...... I have done stupid things.

I want to meet the man I am going to spend forever with. The man who will love me, every little bit of me. My flaws, my faults, my mood swings, and happiness and sadness and syco crazyness. LOL I want a Good Christian man. A man who had things in common with me. Likes nature, like to spend time camping or whatever. a man who puts God first in his life, a Man who isn't afraid to love me. I know I'm afraid. A man who can laugh at my stupid sillyness. when I do "blonde" things or when I can't deal with my own emotions he will just say. It's okay. When I am fustrated with my sins... he will comfort me. A man that can accept that I've made mistakes and love me for them. Someone who will be a gentalman, and just make me feel special. A honest. trustworthy, non-cheating man. A Christian.

That's not a "list" that's just what I want...... and it's not something you see on the outside.
I don't know... God knows who's right for me, He will match me up with my "one". I just hope he does before I graduate..... if that is His will. It may be I never marry.... and I spend eternity with God. That would be great to. I would still like a partner in flesh though. But I know God knows what I need, want, and don't need.
I give up my wants, needs, feelings, emotions to whatever His will is.

It's His. If He wants me to keep liking this boy... I guess I will.
Anyways It's late.
~In Christ's Love~
Melissa

Boys and the Pain

So I am so torn. I like this boy, I just met him. I spent time with him and as the day went on I liked him more and more. I had butterflies I mean.... my stomach was going crazy like a middle schooler. What is wrong with me. I don't even know the boy. I have a wall around my heart, a wall that would let me "like" a guy but never fall for him. A wall that even in the face of rejection I was okay, it wouldn't hurt. But all of a sudden I relized this wall, this structure I have built after having my heart shattered and than stomped on and crushed, a boy has penetrated it. In one day..... I acually have butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. I mean the stupid stuff plays through my head..... I have always promised myself not to let myself out of control over a boy and here I am doing it. I get excited when I get a IM from him.... what's up with that? I get all giddy and non functional, I can't even think straight. I don't know what to say...... I have dated, and told guys flat out I like them...... and I've been rejected and turned down and it didn't hurt. now I'm scared.....

I can't like him, I have to make myself NOT like him at all. I mean I can't handel being hurt. I can't bare the pain of having my heart shattered again. It's not even re-assembled yet!! I know there is no way he likes me. I mean why would he? He's great..... I'm the farthest from great. I need to get myself where I can't be hurt. I'm adding barewire around my wall. and another wall if that's what it takes.

Even if for some miracle he did acually like me. I don't know if I want a relationship, I mean I want to get married and have a family one day.... but I don't want to risk my heart. I mean I like him...... but am I ready to date again? I thought I was until now. I don't want to break my already broken heart some more. I mean the chances of him liking me are slim to none anyways. And given that small percentage... the chances he's "the one" and won't hurt me is basically impossible. Is there even someone out there for me? Prob not. I mean I'm going to get hurt again. So why bother.... why risk my heart and feelings for a boy that I just met, for a boy that seems to be great, for a boy that will just break my heart if he even liked me, for a boy that doesn't like me, why should I just waste my time, feelings, thoughts on a boy. Just a boy......

Why do I like him, I mean I got butterflies like crazy just cuz he touched my hand...... I mean COME ON..... im so lamn. I was floating on a cloud... his eyes kill me, we can hold a conversation acually LOOKING into eachothers eyes and it's comfortable.... I can't do that with anyone just about. I mean he likes the same things I do... he wants the same things out of a relationship... and he's a Christian, I mean...... UH he is so sweet and nice. I hate it! I just need to run.... run run run FLEE from pain, from feelings like these. I need to not like him..... make myself not like him. This is so hard.... so confusing.... err I need mental help!!!!

On top of this interesting feelings and ect. I am stressing ove school WHAT WAS I THINKING.
Taking 3 bio's, Cell, Botany, Anatomy, and than West civ with Martin..... wow I am committing suicide just by this course load. I need help. I need guidence. I need to schedual my time...... forget about boys... forget about life and buckle down on school. but as I try my mind wanders..... wanders to boys. ERR. I just need to let go... let go of my heart, my feelings and emotions. I need to just learn to be emotionless and be a scienctist. Than there's Photography... I want to persue it more. I want to see if a door opens and I can persue a career in photography. I would LOVE that. I hope I get an Internship this summer. I need more trust in God's plan. No matter what happens I won't die right? and even if I do..... I'll be where I want to be. so is dying all that bad? nope. so what am I worried about. I can't help it. Being human sux!! I want everything to just be easier. I want a sign over "the one's" head saying MARRY HIM RIGHT HERE. and I want my career just to be BLACK AND WHITE. something saying DO THIS, serve me this way, and it would just go easy. but I know that we are called to suffer. Suffer for Christ.... Share in His suffering, it is my joy to suffer. but I still suffer....... duh. But I know my father loves me. He won't give me anything I can't handel. Nothing happens to me without His permission. So I need to let go..... "Jesus take the wheel...." yeah I know. I know this all but I just have to do it.

Some times predestination in a very "micromanged" way would be easier. where things just happen without you having to make choices and decisions. but than how does that glorify our Lord. it doesn't. Uh so complicated so mind boggling.... I need help. Lord help me. give me guidence.

Well I think I'll stop rambling now and try and sleep.... but I doubt it.
Night
Melissa