A prisoner within my own mind

I feel trapped, the depression setting in
I long for freedom, but bars contain me
Why can’t I be free, control of my emotions?

I see the light, but the walls surround me
They laugh at me, mocking me
The thoughts, un-escapable

Darkness surrounds my mind
Impurity and lies
Can’t I just die?

Why can’t I flee from these?
I want to run, break down these walls
But I am trapped within my mind

I can’t escape myself, my thoughts
To separate would mean ending all

In circles I turn
Someone reach out for me
But no one can

I feel hopeless
Never to escape this pain
Once more I end up here

I know death is not the answer
But it seems at times the only one

No! I will not, not again
I will not allow you here; this is my mind!

You must leave; I must break free
You do not own me
My lord owns me!

He will break me free
I have to walk with him
He owns all

Have mercy on me
My mind; tainted and unclean
I cannot wash it

But you don’t require purity
You make all wholesome

Free me of pain
Break these walls and chains
My father, help me!

You are all; I am not
I am death without you

My only escape seems to expire
But that is my only escape

With you, I have many
Freedom

But freedom in you
Not independence
I loathe my own

Without you, I am trapped
As good as dead

Hold me lord
Carry me through

I despise myself
I build up walls

Break my walls
Knock them down
Build endless love
A Desire for you

I need your love
Nothing else at all

As I lay, watch me close
Search me; see me
Clean it all

Wash me with your blood
Rid me of myself
Godliness, holiness
Fill me with you

Love me lord
Father-God
I adore you

A amazing Weekend, Take the subset!

I. So this weekend was great! I mean OBX with the parental units was good... except being sick.
Camping with FCA.... A M A Z I N G!!!!! I can't believe I almost left... I mean being in a bad mood and all... and than not feeling good. I'm glad I was talked into staying.

The stars were so bright..... Laying down on the ground was so fun. Every time I look at the stars it blows my mind. Our Maker..... WOW He dreamed up all of them, every single one. And the shooting stars. WOW. yeah... There's no other words. I enjoyed laying there with josh for the few minutes. Than everyone else joined. Which was great too!!!

The lighting of the cross. (we all lite our candles as a sign of our light for Christ) and than laid them on the cross.... It looks so amazing. It was SO cold.. So So cold. Plus feeling sick.. that didn't help. I ended up asking Josh to hold me for a little while. I would of asked someone else, but I'm most comfortable with him. When I'm sick I'm such a baby, I love to be held. Shoot.... I love cuddling even when I'm not sick. It just felt so good to be held. I don't know why.... I wish It didn't.

Anyways.... So I've been thinking about stuff:
The story Josh read about Christ being a guest in our house..... (way most Christians are) but to totally surrender everything. We have to sign over the deed to our house.... our body, mind, soul, life, heart. EVERYTHING. He is the owner of our house. I wrote on my piece of paper.... to give up relationships.... with men, with friends, with family. But I wrote "Deed of my life: mind body soul life" and I signed it over to Christ. Than watched it go up into flames.... to Him.... I am going to think of myself as a guest to this body. I am Christ's guest to His House, I am His servant. I will not allow anything to enter my body, dress my body, do things with my body, to my body. that is not something I would have done to Christ's body. Because this body is His... not mine, I am a guest.... a servant in His house. I am sure I will fail..... but I know that with Christ all things are possible. (I am sure I will muddy the house.... but He can clean all.. repaint and fix up) And I cannot clean my house the way He can. He can clean out my closets. I have more than one "closet" I have multiple ones. Allowing alcohol and sex and food and certain clothes, and certain things done to/in my house is wrong. I would not do these things in Christ's home.... therefore I will not.

I also had this "image" in my mind.
Our lives... the will of God is a path, with Ups and Downs.... Hills and steps and rocks. Like a hiking trail. If we follow God's path..... it's not too difficult, and it's the most beauty we can ever imagine. All along the way God is our hiking guide. He says This way.. look at this beauty.. I do this for you... this is yours. Follow me... this way.... and guides us.
But... than because We are sinners, and we are human. Satan has "forks" in the trail. These paths appear to have beautiful flowers and tall tall trees. Satan stands at the fork and says.... Look at this path.. this one is more adventurous and beautiful than your boring straight path. Why don't you come down this path...... it's much better. And because everything he says is a LIE... he himself is a lie, it is not true. We believe anyway and go... OOOOhh pretty flower and we stray the wrong way. But shortly down this "fork" the path gets rough and difficult, and we do not have the strength. The flowers on the path all wilt in death, and the beauty is non-existent. But we cannot see a way off this path... we cannot turn around....... and we cannot get off.

While we are straying down the path..... God has His bush hawk slicing a subset path as quickly as He can. This subset leads from God's original path to the "fork" we took. Now because God has to cut the path so fast and quick... it is rough and hard, thorns and rocks and uncut branches. But it is doable with God's strength. As we're on this "fork" God comes the freshly cut path and says I'm HERE this WAY follow me, I cut this path for us.... I will help you through it... come this way. At that point we either Choose to follow God and struggle with guilt (thorns) pain (rocks) anguish (branches). But we make it through this path onto God's will. The Main Path. Once we are back on God's will we find happiness and peace and love and beauty. We walk back in His presence, His grace. And we are Happy again.... The path is Beautiful and warm and safe.
If instead of following God back to God's will path... and we keep struggling, crawling down satan's lie and deceitful path, than God runs ahead and cuts another path.... and again we have this choice... as He calls out to us.. "this way, follow me, I will help you!"
Because we are human..... we usually get to the point, on Satan's lie path, that we are not able to crawl any farther..... we have no strength. We are broken and hurt and bleeding out. At this point God cuts another path for us. He walks to us and carries us back through his new path... back to Him... and His Will for us.
As we walk back in God's will..... The beauty and love is amazing..... and We cannot see ahead.... the beauty just gets greater and greater.... There is water and food and life for us to supply. But than... satan is standing at another fork off God's Will Path. He says.... look this path has more fruit for you.... this path is more fun... Come this way....... This Path is better. And because we're sinners and human again we stray.

But as always Satan is lying and God's faithfulness is to cut another subset path to retrieve us. He will ALWAYS make subset paths.... He will always Seek after us. We have to choose to follow the path.
Our curiousity gets the best of us...."grass is always greener". Ultimately we either find and stay on God's path..... even with MANY MANY subsets cut. Or... we die..... and reject God's offer to save us... carry us back to His will..... and we die.... bleeding out. weak. hurt. and depressed on Satan's deceit path. We have a choice.... We always have a choice..... God's beautiful Path.... even when we can't see what's around the bend.... so we THINK satan's lie path is better. and We are fooled into taking the "fork" but God always offers a subset path. So look for the subset Path.... listen for God calling "I'm here.... follow me back.. I will Help you!!!!" He is faithful and loving and He will ALWAYS make a path back to His will.

His subset paths are harder.... tougher... but they are doable.... we can get through them with the Lord's help. Yes.... if we stayed on God's Will things would be easier. Sure there would be difficult hills.... but we wouldn't have to climb mountains. BUT we follow the fork.... we have to take the subset over the mountain. But God will be faithful... and His subsets..... they are possible. "Philippians 4:13"
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Even climbing these subset mountains.....

This is what causes a large portion of our suffering, yes there is suffering on God's Will Path..... but not the amount we cause by taking the fork... the fork path leads to pain suffering and death. Satan's lie path is to seperate us from God... to make us die and hurt and bleed on his path. But God's faithfulness and Grace allow these subsets.

Jesus is the reason subsets are allowed. He is the way.... He is the bush hawk that cuts these subsets. He is what allows us to be forgiven and always come back to God. Jesus makes the way for us human sinners to come back to God's will.... to be BACK in God's presence. Look to Jesus.... He is the Subset on your path.

God is Faithful... God is Loving... God sent His only Son to allow for subsets. To Bring you back and to KEEP you in His arms. This all powerful, all loving, merciful, and forgiving God is seeking you... If you are on your God's Will Path... or you are broken down crawling along Satan's Lying Deceit Path.... There is a subset for you now and later, and there will always be subsets. Choose them, take them. They are Jesus Christ. God loves you so much He created a constant faithful way to bring you back to Him. God came to earth THROUGH His ONLY Son, and He died for you. Choose Jesus... The beauty, happiness, and love is amazing on God's Will Path. Beyond whatever satan's lie path has. Because nothing but death, hurt, pain exist on this path.

If you think that satan's path will make you happy. It won't.... it's can't. It will become hard and rough and you will fall and crawl and cry and bleed. but God will be calling you
"This way... I cut a path for us... I will carry you... come with me! I love you!"

Follow God's will.... and if you stray... take the subset, It is created out of love and grace.

Melissa....